Learning in Freedom

Hanging at the Nolichucky

2011-08-03T19:21:00.004-04:00

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A few snapshots of one of our favorite places on the planet, the Nolichucky River. We try to get out once a week, but lately it's been hard to find time.

Heading back there tomorrow and wanting to capture some of the essence of our time there with friends. The following are an assortment of days on the river shot with Sierra's little point-n-shoot camera....because all that darn pro-gear can be a bit much to lug!

Reflections

2010-08-19T10:53:00.004-04:00

I'm sure most of you have read my post at Tea With Ren, about the fact that Bleu and I are in the process of separating our lives. There's so much to say, so much I want to write about, yet when things get difficult I tend to stop writing as much.

There were so many things I didn't write down when we went through our separation ten years ago...and I wish I had. So I'm determined to get back to writing regularly. Maybe not at my blogs, but at least for myself.

Anyhoo, in the cleaning and packing and trying to get this house ready to sell there is a lot of reflection going on. Tears and smiles both. I've been missing my family in Alaska like crazy all year, it's really hard to be this far from my roots.

My maternal Grandfather married us in Alaska, in my parents house. He has been a rock for my entire life and is now facing the end of his life. Parkinson's has ravaged his body and mind. I need to be there to hold his hand one more time.

I picked up a book from my childhood the other night. One of those books that your parents have on the shelf, that you always remember seeing and looking at. My Dad would sit and show me the pictures inside, but it was a non-fiction adult book so we mostly talked about the information within rather than reading large portions.

It is about a WW2 ship, the Queen Mary. My family has many adventurers in it's ranks. My Dad and Grandfather were the boat captains for our family trips out to the cabin in the Prince Williams Sound. They loved boats and everything to do with the ocean....that passion surrounded me from birth. That same Granddad was a pilot. He flew small planes and was on the board of directors for Wien Air Alaska. Flying and boating stories were part of the fabric of our family.

Back to the book; I picked it up the other night and sighed at the memory. Flipping it open, I noticed an inscription on the front page I had not noticed before. If I knew about it, that fact had been lost to my memory long ago. It was a note from my Grandfather to me:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Karen,

Everyone should have "somethings to do someday". Dreams, you just keep them in your mind and quicker than you think they are not dreams, you are doing it. Put a visit to the "Queen Mary" on your list. To excite the dream, read this book when you're able. I guess you could share the book with your Dad. Love, Grandpa Harry

P.S. My dream to visit the "Queen Mary" just happened.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sat weeping, so thankful for the adventuresome dreamers I was born into. So thankful for the fact that they wanted to nurture the imagination. And sad, that I probably won't make it to Long Beach California to visit the Queen Mary before he dies, so I can properly thank him for igniting so many things in a young soul.

Change is a constant in this life. I've learned to embrace most of it, to be with it and know that what it leads to will be cloaked for some time. There are great things around the next corner....I suppose it's that feeling of excitement and mystery that make me want to keep doing more in this life.

For now, packing and remembering the past are enough. Long Beach and the Queen Mary are on the bucket list! Practicalities should never get in the way of a dream. :)

Inspired by the Good Morning America piece

2010-04-20T10:08:00.019-04:00

So my friends Christine and Phil were on Good Morning America this week. It was a clearly biased bit of "reporting" in which the reporters should have been embarrassed to air the piece it was so poorly done. That's a risk I'm not willing to take anymore...to put ourselves out in the media spotlight and the piece was a good reminder why I won't do that any longer.

To GMA's credit, they brought Chris and Phil to their studio and allowed a true discussion to take place (short though it was) and cleared up some of the misconceptions about unschooling and in particular, about their children Kimi and Shaun. It was a much better look at unschooling even without video footage of children in action.

Two things are really sticking with me; 1) the whole notion that one must spend 13 years of drudgery in a classroom in order to be prepared for college or "real life". 2)That children need school to be "exposed" to lots of ideas/activities they would otherwise not have access to

First of all, I admit my bias against school when labeling it "drudgery". That's what it is for most kids. I love talking to parents who are convinced their children LOVE school and "it works for them" and on and on. But when you chat with the child they hate school, they want to leave, they wish they could have other options.

I'm not saying this is true of all children...no. But this has happened enough in my life to wonder how many parents are really in tune with their children's needs and desires enough to even notice how much they detest going to school each day....most of the time.

To address the college issue....I'm not sure I can anymore. I'm so over this assumption. I honestly don't see how school prepares you for college at all and if the typical college student is an example of a "well-prepared" adult then I hope my children are not prepared for college at all. I hope they're not prepared to hand over years and years of their lives for a thin sliver of hope at a job they'll despise. I hope they're not prepared to go into debt for that which does not feed their spirit, bring them joy and ignite their passion for learning. I hope they can't do mindless recitation of facts that mean nothing to them. I hope they're not prepared for anything less than exactly what they love.

I DO hope they can see many, many options for getting where they need to go in life. Options like apprenticeships and working part-time to fund travel adventures and self study and on and on the list goes. I hope they trust themselves enough to know that college isn't some mystical and fearful place, just another option in an endless list of options.

So far it's worked out pretty well. Trevor is 20 now and is choosing to study the CompTIA A+ certification material on his own, rather than pay big money to take the class. He's assisting a DJ part-time and looking forward to continuing that after he finds a computer tech job. If college became important to him, I have no doubt he could easily prepare for that (have you seen the material in the A+ book? Ouch....college prep should be EASY after that!!).

I could list the very real people I know who are attending college as adults, who have entered college after being unschooled all their lives and are successful, or unschoolers who are following other paths that are more fulfilling than college. I could, but I won't. Because no matter how many poster children there are for unschooling, closed minds won't get it. I don't want them to anymore...I just want to live my life.

On to #2....the notion that children need school in order to be MORE exposed to activities and ideas. In some families school may very well be a good option for that. Sure. If people homeschool in order to isolate and separate their children then school may very well be a better option for those kids. Not my choice to make.

I met Christine, Phil, Kimi and Shaun not long after they'd left school. In St. Louis to be exact, during an unschooling conference at which I spoke. Kimi and Sierra became friends and over the years we met up with them at various locations in the U.S. for gatherings or conferences. They travel in their RV a lot so they get around! Kimi and Shaun are engaging, bright and interesting young people to chat with. I've always enjoyed their perspective and time with the entire family. It's obvious their children are not sheltered and are being exposed to FAR more than the average child their age.

But how is it that children, who detested school, who watched that clock ticking away the minutes and hours of their lives, who prayed for the weekend to come so they could get out of school...just HOW do they become adults who believe it is the best option for their own children? How is it that a person leaves school and takes years to recover, to find their own passions again, to learn the things that are actually useful for their lives, look back and see school as a crucial part of that journey? I don't believe it IS for most people.

But I'm out of energy folks...I have no more defense for unschooling. I'm too busy living my own passions and trying to help my children follow theirs. I hope you find your passion too. Instead of describing what we do, what my children are exposed to precisely because they DON'T waste a bunch of time sitting in school all day, instead of using my energy in that manner, I offer you a few snapshots of our life. That's all I have any more. My camera and very few words.

I don't want to defend unschooling or cut down school. Even though I have strong opinions about it all. I know that children in school are loved and growing and learning just like the rest of us. The difference is that their lifestyle is accepted...they don't have to explain their choice over and over and over again to well-intentioned but ignorant people. They don't have to try and explain how they'll get into college (because they're in school and ALL schooled kids can get into college right?) or what they're being exposed to all day (because what happens in school is all so smarmy-marmy wonderful for children right?). No, they don't have to do that but neither do I.

I leave you with a few pictures of our recent explorations...because that's all I have left now. No more words, just images. And I hope that unschoolers will realize that they don't owe the world any explanations or defenses. That they don't need to convince the ignorant or close minded. That we just need to live our lives and get on with the joy of living and learning together.

It's what we do best you know. :)

Do these people look like they're missing out on "real life", on being "exposed" to choices? Would a classroom enhance our experiences? Perhaps, but I leave that choice to the individual. They're perfectly capable of making that choice....when and if it becomes important to them.

So tell me your dreams: issue 6

2010-01-03T22:23:00.001-05:00

Myself at around 6 years of age, with the baby Robin.

"Dreams are answers to questions we haven't yet figured out how
to ask."

—X-files

"Dreaming is an act of pure imagination, attesting in all men a creative power, which if it were available in waking, would make every man a Dante or Shakespeare."

—H.F. Hedge

"Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you."

—Marsha Norman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Tell Me About
Your Dreams

So tell me about your dreams...

Such a simple statement. Yet so profound. "So tell me about your dreams," she said. It was meant literally, a question for a friend that must have been seeking some dream interpretation. Yet it was so intimate, so caring, so open.
tell me about your dreams

She sat at another table, speaking to a stranger, but it felt as though it was meant for me. As I sat sipping my coffee that day, I pondered the impact of her question. Why was the question so probing, and why did I feel that it would feel so comforting to have a person ask me that same question?

Dreams are significant and forgettable at once. They are clues to our subconscious, symbols of things that only we can decipher. To share a dream with another person is an intimate sharing, a thing that only a compassionate and caring person would want to shoulder or learn about. We don't walk around talking about our sleeping dreams, nor our waking dreams to just any soul encountered. To have a person ask about our dreams is an act of caring, an act of listening deeply. It feels personal and safe in the right person's presence.

tell me about your dreams

I think back to my childhood and how rarely I shared my dreams. I learned early on that my dreams were silly things, not worth mentioning. There wasn't anyone asking that magical question, not really. The sleeping dreams were pointing towards great clues about me, yet even those weren't completely safe to share.

I remember the dream about cycling across America and how passionate I felt about it for weeks after waking from that particular dream. The dream got downsized to a bike ride from Fairbanks to Anchorage, then from my home out to Chena Hot Springs about 100 miles away. Eventually, it got buried under the fear of hearing how impractical my dreams were. But it was still there, bubbling under the surface.

What if someone had been able to share my dream? What if someone, just ONE someone had said, "tell me about your dreams"? What if that person, rather than scoffing at the impracticality of either a waking or sleeping dream had said, "how can we plan for this?" and showed me a path to making dreams a reality? What if......

I wonder often just where I'd be today had one adult in my life asked me that question and cared deeply about the answer. I wonder. It really doesn't matter at this point, the past is past, and I forge my own path today, with or without those chains. But it's worth thinking about how our questions, words, and attitudes affect our own children and the dreams they carry within themselves because they carry dreams today. They carry seeds of dreams for tomorrow. They carry greatness within them wherever they go—do we nourish it or before it can grow into its fullness, do we decapitate it with the cruel swipe of our uncaring words?

tell me about your dreams

When a person shares the gift of their dreams with us, we need to recognize just how personal and how precious that gift is. A dream can be a fragile thing in the early stages. A fragile, gossamer gift that can be shattered like spun sugar at too rough a touch. We can shatter it or fortify this small thing that sits before us. "Tell me about your dreams" can fortify the most fragile idea, the smallest whimper of a desire. This simple question lends strength because we are listening. It lends vision because we care.

When our children come to us with these desires, ideas, and schemes our words have impact. We must choose them carefully. Do we have enough vision to listen deeply? Do we have enough creativity to see it through? Do we share with them the knowledge of how to birth a dream into reality? Is it enough?

I am sharing my dreams with that inner child that wasn't heard. I care deeply about her ideas and visions that weren't taken seriously enough. I take these desires seriously and do what I can to bring them about. This healing journey of listening to my dreams (those urges and desires never go away.....we respond and live in joy, or ignore them and live in torment) has caused me to slow down and really listen to my children on a different level.

There are times that an idea is worked through on many levels just by being heard. Knowing that someone wants to hear us can be a gateway to more creativity, to bigger ideas, and the ability to work through a challenging idea. Building a support network for your own dreams begins with "tell me about your dreams." Helping our children stay in touch with those inner desires and the ability to trust themselves very often begins with "tell me about your dreams" or some version of it.

tell me about your dreams

The woman that spoke those words at the coffee shop last week will probably never know how her words affected me. She doesn't need to know that her ability to care and listen gave me words that are now like a mantra in my mind. Taking our dreams seriously is what we all need to do on this earth before we leave.

My children are a big part of my dreams. My ability to nourish and fortify their dreams is another important piece of that puzzle. There are other nudges and urgings under the surface...they call to me here and there. I listen to them now; I trust they are important parts of who-I-am and where my journey will take me. I cradle and nourish and plan with those pieces....for they are part of a calling, part of urges we can not explain. Some of them feel as though they were embedded deeply into the coding of our very cells at the beginning of time. Where they come from and how they become a part of us we may never know. Trusting that they are the clues to a life well-lived helps us take them seriously.

There is an old picture of me, around six years of age. In the picture I am cradling a baby bird in the palm of my hands, a Robin that had fallen from its nest. I remember how tiny and vulnerable that small life was, how strong the urge was to protect that life. I remember my mother commanding us to take the bird back into the forest because it was impractical to try and save it. I remember how crushing the weight of that burden was and recognize how it has affected me to this day. When I see that picture of my small self, trying so hard to protect that fragile thing, I see a child with dreams in her hands. A small creature trying to protect an even smaller creature amidst the cruelty of a world that wouldn't slow down to listen. This image reminds me to act as a protector of dreams, a bulwark against a world that would scoff at the desires of a small heart. Those small, fragile dreams can grow strong with time. They can become a life's journey.

What are the dreams that have laid quietly far too long in our hearts?

What are the urges and desires that seem impractical?

What steps are we taking today, to ensure the safety of those desires?

What are we doing to build upon those ideas and nourish them in our own children?

I imagine a world where children are taken seriously, where dreams are taken seriously. I imagine a world where everyone's dreams are seen as clues to a joyful life. I imagine that we can all listen more deeply and care more fully about our own dreams. I believe that we carry greatness within us and that our dreams are the clues to unlocking that greatness.

So.... tell me about YOUR dreams.

Learning at biltmore: issue 5

2009-12-31T11:21:00.001-05:00

"A child's learning process is not thwarted by an honest parent openly sharing information any more than my own was in that moment, as long as there is no attachment to any particular outcome."

"A choice is another benign thing, just sitting there as a single option unless acted upon. Choice doesn't harm natural learning; it doesn't cause my children to have less trust in their own ability to learn. It's just another choice."

"Yes, I believe that our children guide us quite readily into that which interests them. Yes, I believe that natural learning happens all the time. At the same time I don't believe that a parent-initiated activities or information takes away from natural learning. In fact, I find that people with more experience, more years, and a wide array of experiences to pull from usually expand our own pool of information."

Cool Connections:

Biltmore Estate

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Learning at Biltmore

There was a big discussion recently at one of the email lists about parent vs. child-initiated activities and whether anything parent-initiated was helpful. I cringe when I read these kind of posts because I think debating parent or child-initiated is setting up a false dichotomy. In a family where interests and ideas are freely shared, without coercion and without any agenda, in a family where trust is high and relationships are healthy, I don't think one needs even consider who "initiated" an idea, conversation, fun activity or outing. I don't believe WHERE the information started is nearly as important as how it's being tossed around.

In our family, ideas and thoughts begin with every one of us. Sometimes we take great pleasure in sharing those thoughts or ideas with other members and sometimes not. Most of the time, if something excites any one of us, we love sharing it. We enjoy hearing other perspectives or add-ons to things we've been mulling about. We seek out other family members for activities and talk as a natural by-product to our own interests and learning. Trying to figure out whether it was "child-initiated" or "parent-initiated" would be pointless except for the sake of theoretical discussion on an email list! Parents without any attachment to what and when their children learn can easily share information and be perfectly comfortable if that information is unwanted. Without an agenda of any kind, without any ideas of "should" or some time limit on our unique journeys, these parents aren't going to feel any sense of failure when a child isn't interested in something offered.

More often than not, anything I offer up is either welcomed or expanded upon. I think that comes from being in tune with where my children are at today, and what items, places, ideas and events interest each of them. I know that Trevor and Jared are probably not going to be terribly excited about "First Friday" where we peruse art galleries, listen to local music and enjoy the atmosphere of downtown, but I make sure to let them know I'm going anyway. The door is always open, whether it's their own idea that initiated an activity or one of the adults in the house.

This idea that parents shouldn't offer, shouldn't share information or activities seems to imply that the parents are far too clueless to offer anything of value. Yes, I believe that our children guide us quite readily into that which interests them. Yes, I believe that natural learning happens all the time. At the same time I don't believe that a parent-initiated activities or information takes away from natural learning. In fact, I find that people with more experience, more years, and a wide array of experiences to pull from usually expand our own pool of information.

My own experiences and information are valuable to me and occasionally valuable to other people that want to hear my point of view. My children are no different than other people I come into contact with. If parents worry that their own input is somehow detracting from the natural learning experience, are they withholding information or ideas their child might actually desire? Is there some feeling that children are so fragile that they would be inhibited by honest sharing, even if that sharing could comfortably be rejected by the child at any time?

I think back over our day-to-day interactions lately, and I see where all of us are "initiating" learning experiences. Because learning is happening in the mundane everyday tasks, in the games, in the driving and walking, in the day and night, in the travel and exploration, in the conversations and celebrations we all choose to embrace, each of us sparks some beginning to these activities as naturally as the ocean ebbs and flows. We all have worthy contributions; we all share excitement and information; we all share in each others interests to some degree small as it may be at times.

Just the other day, I came home from work and had two very excited children shouting, "Mom, come see this show with us, it's REALLY cool! It's talking about what the world might be like in 200 million years...." and on it went. They shared all about what they'd seen so far and practically dragged me into the room to watch with them. Was my own learning process somehow thwarted by having them share that information with me, rather than finding it on my own? Of course not. It expanded my world; it brought joy to share something that excited them so much and we all learned from it. A child's learning process is not thwarted by an honest parent openly sharing information any more than my own was in that moment, as long as there is no attachment to any particular outcome. In fact, sharing information and ideas freely enriches and expands our world.

I am thinking specifically of a day we all spent last month in which I initiated the entire activity, yet we all got something different and enjoyable out of that activity....each of us learning and sharing in our own way.

Let me back up a bit....

When we moved up here to Tennessee, there was a whole new range of activities, people, and places to choose from. I took it upon myself to research the local home/unschooling support group (something I knew my children valued and would appreciate), to find out a variety of resources that our family might enjoy. Being the parent that typically provides transportation to a variety of venues and typically gets the information for everyone (to do with exactly as they choose), I didn't question whether my initiating that information has some ill-effect on anyone. Information is just that, information.

Without coercion, "teacherly" agenda or other influencing factor, everyone in the household can do what they choose with information. I would personally like more choices rather than less. My children do too. A choice is another benign thing, just sitting there as a single option unless acted upon. Choice doesn't harm natural learning; it doesn't cause my children to have less trust in their own ability to learn. It's just another choice.

Another place I had wanted to visit after moving here was Biltmore Estate. I had taken the boys and Sierra when they were very little many years ago, but mostly they couldn't remember it at all. I told my kids about it, asked if they wanted to join me in a visit, and in the end I had not only my four children interested in spending the day at Biltmore, but an extra one as well. One of our close friends has a son that spends a lot of time at our house, and he was very excited about visiting Biltmore with us.

My children (at this point) didn't know anything about Biltmore, where it was, or that we lived within an hour of the estate. They wouldn't have thought to research about it yet, or ask if we could go. Should I have waited until they found it on their own? They may have been in their 20's before that happened (maybe not), and I'm not a big believer in waiting around for things to happen; I ENJOY swirling new things into our days as much as my kids do! If Biltmore hadn't interested them, I knew I'd get a very honest "no thanks Mom," and I would have been fine with that too.

But because they were interested, we picked a day, and over the mountains we drove, five kids and an adult eager to see Biltmore, excited about being together and traveling away from home for that day (with the promise that we'd be home by 6:30 for two World of Warcraft players to attend the evenings raids). The drive itself is always fun for me. Driving right through the mountains, taking in all the scenic beauty, hearing all the children proclaiming, "it's sooooo beautiful" each time we make the drive has its own magic and sweet connections. I couldn't even tell you all the topics we shared while driving, but I imagine that we touched on music and nature at the very least.

From the moment we stepped foot on Biltmore Estate, the children were all full of exclamations of awe. Each of them noticed different things, all of them were completely enchanted, from my 6'3" 17 year old right down to my 5 year old ball of energy that ran circles around us. They all wanted to go inside the house first, so a self-guided tour began our Biltmore experience. We traipsed through lavish room after lavish room (all of them decorated with live Christmas trees) with conversation spilling forth about turn of the century customs and style, excessive wealth, philanthropy, humanitarian efforts, architecture, ecology and conservation, environmental concerns and the fact that every one of us decided the servants rooms were FAR nicer than any of our own rooms! Each person had different ideas and thoughts, each person shared them freely. Nobody felt coerced or "taught" because someone else was thinking aloud or asking a question. The conversations weren't steered or guided; they were honest and natural....as conversations are around here.

When we got to the end, all of the kids were disappointed. They wanted to see MORE! I was more than done with the whole tour, but they were wishing we could go look at some of the off-limit areas. Unfortunately for them, they were truly off-limits. We headed over to the Carriage House and all the shops. Ice cream was first; discussions about flavors, making homemade ice cream and how to stay warm when eating cold items on a cold day quickly followed. I chose a cuppa hot coffee thank you.

Next stop was at the sweet shop where Sierra and I took great pleasure in selecting handmade truffles to share. It was a fine art, selecting exactly the perfect flavors and deciding how many of each would satisfy. After that, the old-fashioned toy shop sucked us in. A trip down nostalgia lane was in store, as I found toys that were replicas of many items I used to find in my grandparent's farmhouse attic. Items that would have been the childhood toys of my father and aunties who were children in the 40s and 50s. The kids thought it was pretty cool that I actually remembered playing with those old-style toys. We left with some miniature knights and a buzzing bumblebee.

The gardens are pretty bare this time of year, so we talked about how fun it would be to try and visit each month (something now possible thanks to a yearly membership I chose to purchase) and watch the seasonal changes. In the arboretum, Jared asked, "Wouldn't the air in here be really rich with oxygen?" Well yes, it would. And off we went into environmental changes, plants, and air quality. Jared happens to be fascinated with global warming and a variety of green issues.

Jalen, Sierra and Jared were especially fascinated with one plant that had "ginormous" (Jared's word) leaves. During the time they were checking out that particular plant, Jalen had happily skipped off ahead of us and was back outside balancing himself on brick walls. Trevor and John were comfortably esconced on a bench discussing World of Warcraft events and strategy. Everyone getting something different; everyone enjoying time together.

On we traveled to the winery. The boys weren't very interested in wine making as a whole, but decided to join us for the tour anyway. Sierra was the one pushing for the tour at this point as she wanted to know "how they got all that yucky taste into the bottle." After a brief movie on the Biltmore wine making experience, we walked through the equipment area. Suddenly everyone was interested again. Huge vats where the wine ferments sent off a yeasty, fruity fermenting smell. Jalen talked non-stop through the fermentation, extraction, and aging areas asking a million questions and wanting to get up higher to see it all. Sierra was SO excited about knowing how wine was made, and she found it magical how the grapes gather in the sun's energy then release it in the form of juice put through a lengthy process almost as ancient as the grape itself.

Jalen had opened one of the informational displays to discover a lightbulb beneath. He was more interested in the electronic set up and how the lightboxes worked for a while. Learning takes all forms, and it's often not about what the other members are absorbing. In the wine-tasting area, the kids got to sample some grape juice and demanded that we take some home because "it's the best grape juice ever." Once in the wine shop, the older boys had all gotten their fill and headed out for the van (giant jawbreakers in tow) while we made our selections and gawked at the lovely Christmas ornaments.

Upon stepping outside, we noticed a few delicate flakes of snow drifting gently down. Talk about excitement! By the time we'd situated ourselves in the van and began the drive towards the estate exit, snow was coming down in a dramatic flurry. All the way home, white surrounded us and began covering the ground to the side of the freeway. Driving over the mountain pass during a snowstorm was a bit unnerving, but beautiful and ethereal all the same. Our excitement was compounded by the fact that we knew friends were heading up over the mountains behind us, to come stay the night. Kelly and Duncan Lovejoy had visited the site for next year's Live and Learn (right outside of Asheville), and we talked them into heading over the mountains for one evening.

The gamers all got home in time, Kelly and Duncan arrived ("frozen Southern popsicles" in their words), and the day's adventures tumbled out as we ate hot lasagne and bread. It was a wonderful day. I have moments of the day stored in my mind: the image of the kids looking out the upper windows at the beautiful architecture spread below us, everyone laughing insanely and spitting over the edge of a pavillion because the wind was so strong it made everything fly sideways (no other people were around for that part, thankfully), the kids dancing in the first flurry of snow, watching them shiver as they ate ice cream in the cool winter air. There were so many perfect moments—one of those days we've all talked about and enjoyed on many different levels.

Did it have more value because a parent initiated it? Of course not. It WAS a most valuable day to all of us though, and by sharing something that interested me, we all gained something. I believe in bringing bits and pieces of the world to my children. I believe in taking them out into the world to make their own connections as much as they choose to join me.

My children have also brought bits and pieces of the world to me. They have made connections that took us to different places, events, and people than what I would have on my own. That's the flow of connections. That's the flow of natural learning in our home. All of us have unique and worthy bits to share. All of us learn from each other, from the world around us, and from other people. We learn from television, video games, books, cooking, talking, and a million other things we all enjoy. No man is an island. We are all connected. And in the world of unschooling, a family sharing those rich connections is going to expand their opportunties, learning, and joy.

Mindfulness matters: issue 3

2009-12-10T09:47:00.000-05:00

"Connecting with places or things that help us go within is part of this parenting journey. When we are in touch with our own rhythm, with that river of ideas, thoughts and energy that flows throughout the universe, we feel whole and centered. Even amidst the chaos, we can be connected with that flow."

"Part of this journey has been to discover how I can fall, bruise myself and move forward without getting hung up. An ample dose of self-forgiveness is a healthy thing to model for my children while also letting them know I'm still learning and growing as a parent."

"How we embrace life's seasons and changes, how we honor these changes with ritual and awareness matters greatly. An unschooling lifestyle enables us to create truly meaningful rituals born of family connections and interests."

Cool Connections

Soulful Living

Wherever You Go,
There You Are

How to Bury a
Goldfish

Everyday Sacred

Everyday Zen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mindfulness Matters

by Ren Allen

I've felt a bit loose at the edges lately. You know, one of those weeks where nothing seems to fit and words get interpreted differently than you meant? One of those weeks where no matter how hard you try, something has been forgotten or not finished or come out wrong. There are moments like this, and sometimes because there are so many moments, it seems to become the theme of your day or week. Staying in the moment always helps, but sometimes the moment is so intense or comes on the heels of so many other moments, that I just end up feeling frazzled.

These are the days that mindfulness matters even more. These are the days where we learn what true mindfulness means at the very core of our being. These are the days that sometimes we forget about our mindfulness practice and learn that trying too hard and doing too much isn't being mindful either. I'm relearning this tonight.

There has been a recurring theme throughout discussions online and in person this last year about how freedom without mindfulness is a recipe for disaster. I believe this fully. Children left to their own devices have a lot of freedom, but they don't have the mindful, guiding and loving presence of an adult that wants to help them navigate this world with its huge variety of challenges. Too much freedom without the aware adult leads to disaster every time.

Those of us on this path of whole-life learning and gentle parenting want our children to have the benefit of parents who are living life fully, who are awake and aware. We are also the children. We are all the ages we once were. We need to parent ourselves gently and mindfully too. I've written about our self-talk frequently, but it's good to remind myself not only to speak kindly to ME, but to give myself some space in which to breathe.

Space can be a five minute meditation; it can be a walk or writing or drawing. Space to breathe freely of our dreams, to look at what we have done, rather than what isn't done, and to give ourselves a hug. Space to sip tea, to look at the amazing gifts of the children alive and well in our presence, to thank the universe for our wealth (we are all wealthy) and to realize how fragile and amazing this day is.

Some mornings I sit and stare at the trees in my yard while breathing in the day. They are often my meditation. They change so much from season to season, and I love feeling the pulse of those changes. They are almost stripped naked right now, poking bare fingers at a bleak skyline. They are stripped of all obvious life, yet they live. Cells of life are behaving just as tree cells should, storing energy for the cold nights ahead. In the spring they will return with their haughty array of color, proving the life that flows this very moment. They remind me that there are seasons to life, not only for trees but for the creatures that share this planet with them. They remind me to go within, to strip away, to cloak myself in beauty and to trust the pulse of my own rhythm.

Connecting with places or things that help us go within is part of this parenting journey. When we are in touch with our own rhythm, with that river of ideas, thoughts and energy that flows throughout the universe, we feel whole and centered. Even amidst the chaos, we can be connected with that flow. It doesn't mean we don't feel despair at the thought of yet ANOTHER _____ mess (fill in the blank, poop, barf, food, dog, ...get creative!) or sigh at the mountain of laundry awaiting our hands. Mindfulness practice isn't about blocking or ignoring those feelings, it's exactly the opposite! Being truly aware means to NOTICE if nothing else. Noticing or paying attention to our own feelings and the thoughts surrounding our reactions actually furthers our mindfulness practice.

Jon Kabat-Zinn talks about it in Wherever You Go, There You Are, a book I love dearly. His feelings upon encountering a cat dish in the sink are interesting. Rather than reacting to his initial angst, he simply notices the feelings. In paying attention to the feelings, he finds that it's not the cat dish that's bothering him after all; it's the feeling of being ignored, disrespected and uncared for that triggers his initial emotional response. In the end, the reaction isn't based on the initial feeling. That "noticing" is an extremely helpful tool as we deepen our relationship with mindfulness.

I find myself speaking words that aren't mindful at times. That's the tough part. But the great thing about this is that I can often halt myself midstream and say "wow, that wasn't very helpful!" while the kids are looking at me strangely. I apologize, try a different angle and attempt to move gracefully forward. Part of this journey has been to discover how I can fall, bruise myself and move forward without getting hung up. An ample dose of self-forgiveness is a healthy thing to model for my children while also letting them know I'm still learning and growing as a parent. When something goes awry, I can ask myself, "what am I supposed to learn from this?"

I believe most of the ways we practice mindfulness are in the mundane, everyday tasks, in the way we think, the way we see and the way we act or react. Being aware is to live fully. I often use death as my litmus test for what is important. This helps me keep perspective on what this moment brings and how well I navigate.

Some of our mindfulness practice is about being proactive. Rituals can be a grounding, centering way to connect with each other and this earth. Rituals are a way to proactively seek these connections while honoring our family and personal needs. Creating rituals that are uniquely our own can bring a sense of of warmth and balance to our daily lives.

In How to Bury a Goldfish there are several interesting and easy-to-recreate rituals that get right to the heart of day-to-day life. I especially love the "blessing hunting" that is all about cultivating gratitude. The authors, Lang and Nayer, suggest having a list of "awesome things" to read for inspiration (everyone could create their own) and writing down five wonderful things about your life each day. I know of one unschooling family who focuses on the positive by having a "gratitude wall" in their house where each family member can write positive things about their lives or each other.

Choosing what aspects of our lives we will focus on is a huge part of mindfulness practice. Just realizing that I could choose my responses, choose how I felt was incredibly empowering as I journeyed forward into unschooling and gentle parenting.

Ritual can be as simple as nightly stories. It can be an elaborate breakfast for a birthday child or family stories being passed on. It can be morning exercise or a monthly celebration of the full moon. WHAT it is matters very little. How we embrace life's seasons and changes, how we honor these changes with ritual and awareness matters greatly. An unschooling lifestyle enables us to create truly meaningful rituals born of family connections and interests.

I had a good reminder of ritual creation recently. Our family hosted a Day of the Dead party, an evening full of food, laughter and sticky fingers. One highlight of the evening was a circle ritual. This particular ritual was about honoring a young child that had died earlier this year; Hannah Jenner is never far from my thoughts. We placed a scoop of dirt from around her weeping willow tree (planted earlier in the season for Hannah) into an envelope and mixed in a small portion of her ashes. As a fire burned behind us, we passed the envelope from person to person, each of us recounting what Hannah meant to us in life or death. As each person threw his or her handful onto the ground, we felt a wonderful connection and sharing, a hauntingly beautiful remembrance of life and the gift we have today.

Part of my journey on this path of gentle parenting is to remember that my children are here with me, healthy, learning and growing. Acknowledging what I DO have helps me navigate the areas where I feel a sense of lack because the only lack is within, and it's all perception. I have everything I need today to help my children learn. I have everything I need to be respectful and aware. I only need touch that river flowing, remember the fragility and grandness of this day in order to stay centered and balanced. When I forget these things in lesser moments, my children will bring me back to abundance if I continue to trust their unique brand of wisdom.

As I look at the child right before my eyes, as I fully align myself with her needs in this very moment, as I let go of what others think and what "should" be, I find myself acting mindfully. It sounds so simple, and it is. Yet most of us have had to learn how to be fully present in the moment, how truly to listen to our children and tune into what they need because we didn't have a model for this. All we need to do is listen and pay attention. Mindfulness really is that simple.

The children right in front of us are all that matters. The fascination or interest they are showing us is all that matters. What schooled kids are doing today is irrelevant. What the "experts" say is irrelevant. We have our own expert with us everyday, showing the way to natural learning and mindful parenting. If they're digging in the dirt, then digging in the dirt is exactly what they need right now. We can enjoy the activity with them, noticing the dirt, feeling it, smelling it and remembering how it feels to be fascinated and capture this moment forever.

If they're watching tv, we can find out what makes them laugh, we can BE there absorbing the joy of discovery. If they are screaming in frustration, we can be there with them in that moment and trust that navigating the difficult moments is equally valuable. It's all part of their learning.

Being present with my child is the greatest connection of all. Being fully present in each moment of our lives is the best way to live fully and embrace the life we've been given. Parenting itself offers all of us a journey to mindfulness.

Freedom to fly: issue 2

2009-11-29T18:13:00.000-05:00

ATC by Ren; "Beautiful Stillness" inspired by song of the same title by Heather Rupe.

Unschooling Mums Jess Chittum and Laura Bowman shopping with children for art supplies during First Friday in Johnson City TN

"The key question isn't 'What fosters creativity?' But it is why in God's name isn't everyone creative? Where was the human potential lost? How was it crippled? I think therefore a good question might be not why do people create? But why do people not create or innovate? We have got to abandon that sense of amazement in the face of creativity, as if it were a miracle if anybody created anything."

—Abraham Maslow

"Wild and Precious" by Ren 10/09

"In the end, being an artist is really very simple. All you need to do is create... and EVERYONE creates something in some way. You are no exception. Accept the word 'artist.' Use it to describe yourself as well as others. Embrace it. It is a part of who you are. "

—Jessica, on Imagination Tribe

Image by Jess Chittum 1/09

Cool Connections:

Tea With Ren

Wily Walnut : Unleash your inner genius!

Art in Your Pocket

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Freedom to Fly
Originally published in Connections Ezine which also published my interview (originally here at Learning in Freedom) with author Ami McKay.

There's a popular song by Switchfoot that I hear on the radio frequently with haunting lyrics: "We were meant to live for so much more, have we lost ourselves? Somewhere we live inside."

It speaks to me of damaged spirits, broken humans who are seeking that wholeness for which we all long. That wholeness we were born with, wholeness that assists us in creating the life we desire and a being that knows the inner self. Somewhere within us all, is that perfect child-being that began this life journey intact. The voice of that child is the key to an authentic life, the path to healing and part and parcel of what makes unschooling blossom.

Maybe it sounds idealistic or overly emotional, but I believe this to be true: that which we love brings color to our lives and gives us focus.

For most of the readers here, our children are one of the foremost passions in our lives. Not only our children themselves, but how to raise them in a gentle, respectful manner, how to give them freedom while sharing information and how to help them navigate the world without the limiting school mindset. Beyond our children, though, what are our driving passions in life?

What catches your eye, makes your heart sing and fascinates you? How are we as parents, being an example to our children about how to acheive the dreams of our hearts?

If we are overly focused on what the children are learning, we might be missing a very important part of this unschooling life—living out the life we envision for ourselves. This isn't an excuse to make any child's needs less important than our own; it's simply a look at how we as unschooling parents can pursue a life of passion while being fully present for our children. These are not exclusive activities; they are an important part of successful unschooling.

I think of the word "excavation" when I look back over my life experiences that enabled me fully to trust the dreams that lay within. The definition I love is this: "To lay bare through digging". Digging isn't always easy work, it can get pretty ugly at times. We all need tools to make this excavation of the inner self a more efficient activity.

An excavation pump is a kind of dredging apparatus for underwater excavation. I like to think of my children as my greatest "excavation pumps"! They tend to stir up all that loose material sitting down deep and draw it to the surface. Sometimes it's silt, but more often I'm getting gold.

Excavating the authentic self is a journey within, but often it starts from outside ourselves. Here are some topics to think about and tools to utilize:

—NOURISH the passions.

—Surround yourself with positive people and role models.

—Prioritize yourself! Making yourself as important as the people you nourish everyday does not mean putting their needs lower. It means that you treat yourself with the same kindnesses you give them.

—Practice self-compassion. Once again, give yourself that which you give others. You want to talk gently and respectfully to your own children, do you talk gently and respectfully to yourself?

—Heal old hurts. Discover where the negative messages come from because they didn't originate with YOU. Was this something your parents told you? Something a teacher said? A societal message? Time to release all negative self-talk and nourish yourself with kindness.

—Pay attention! Notice the colors that attract you, see the details, give credit to the things that fascinate you, look for clues about what that inner child loves.

Last week I was in Albuquerque for the Live and Learn conference. While walking in Old Town a lovely sign with sillhouettes of ravens caught my eye. I thought "nah, I need to save my film" and didn't photograph it. Later, I was browsing through the conference photos and saw that exact sign in someone's photo collection. It looked great! A good reminder to me to trust that which draws my attention.

Another useful tool in my life, has been learning to suspend my judgment of what constitutes "beautiful" or "ugly". Analyzing objects and art from a detached, observational point of view can give our children a chance to gather their own messages from these experiences, without all the baggage that judgment can bring. Observing color, shape, style and form can be done without the personal investment that a judgment brings. Once we proclaim something "ugly", it is rejected and unworthy, closing the doors of learning.

Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder, and discussing the finer points without those instant judgments can lead to fabulous conversations.

There may be some conclusion reached later about the object's value or lack thereof, but travel the road of observation and discussion first. You never know where it might lead!

In learning to be observers, we can better support our own children's efforts in the world. If the learning process is more important than the end product, we can trust whatever experimentation is happening at the moment. When a child trusts the parent to honor all efforts, that trust fosters creativity and free expression. Feeling emotionally safe is of utmost importance if the creative self is to develop fully.

As we explore our own interests and passions through the eyes of a curious child, we become better equipped to trust our own children's unique gifts. We can ask ourselves whether the gifts of each family member being honored. How do you honor your gifts to the world?

In our family, we hang art up in frames to give it a feeling of important work. We send letters and cards to family members, regardless of the apparent "worth". We take photos of literally everything, including lego structures, barbie dolls, food we've cooked and other everyday activities. When we take the time to notice the work and archive it in some fashion, it says "this activity is important; I value what you do". I do this for myself as well as my children.

Part of free expression is using the gifts that inspire you the most. From dance and movement (yes, tree climbing is an art form) to arranging your room or house, to facilitating relationship issues, creating art or poetry and much more, these actions are all part of the human need to create and express.

I've found that all my years of schooling generated a lot of voices in my head that told me things like, "this isn't good enough to share," "I'm not nearly as good as _________(fill in the blank with just about anyone else)," or "I'm not that talented." Well guess what? I'm not in school anymore, and I refuse to let those voices define me!

Over at Imagination Tribe, my yahoo group for celebrating creativity, many new members lurk for a while before trying out one of the many art trades. They grapple (as many of us do) with that feeling of inadequacy. The only way through those feelings is to ignore them. Tell them to shush, and move forward in spite of any fears still holding you back from the life you deserve.

Deserve you ask? YES, we all deserve a life that is full and rich and interesting. Your children deserve to see you as the fullest expression of YOU! Not one other person on this earth has your unique combination of talents, traits and gifts. You owe the universe, you owe yourself, you owe your children the gift of being fully you.

"You" is a constantly changing and evolving entity. There is no plateau, there is no mountain-top. Self is a river flowing deep and wide (just like the song), and within that river there is unlimited inspiration for free expression, a continual source of ideas if we can only trust the process. When the inner critic rears its ugly head, we must make a choice. A choice that allows us to heed its message or ignore it. We have the power to choose the messages we live by, and we can choose only positive messages.

If your child said, "but it's not good enough" to some piece of their art that you wanted to hang, what would your response entail?

Think for a minute: would you discuss the frustration and be empathetic about what bothered them, or would you say, "yeah, it stinks so let's not hang it up"? Would you encourage them to understand that part of the creative process is frustration, or would you simply dismiss the art as unworthy? Most of us would never dismiss our own children, yet we do that to ourselves without thought! Please, be as kind to yourself as you are to others.

A tool we used at the Imagination Tribe talk this year at the Live and Learn Conference was a variation on a "burning bowl" ceremony. In a burning bowl ceremony, participants write things on a slip of paper that they want to release from their lives and ,when ready, walk up to a bowl with candle burning next to it. They light the paper and drop it into the bowl, signifying a willingness to release whatever was written. During the IT talk, we simply used a garbage can, figuring the hotel might get a bit suspicious if smoke started filling the hallway! After releasing our negative self-talk into the garbage, I passed around positive affirmations about our creative selves as a replacement for those negative messages. Positive affirmations are stated as fact, and after a time, your mind begins to believe them.

"I am infinitely creative; I am a creative genius"
"I love my life; I create that which I desire."
"I share my gifts with the world; I trust my unique talents"

One of the affirmations came back to me in a sweet way: a new friend at the conference handed me an ATC (Artist Trading Card) that she made with one of the slips of paper. On it were the words, "I can visualize my dreams into reality". What a personal and poignant reminder to trust my own dreams and the process of bringing my gifts into the world.

Because following our own passions is a common topic at the email lists, I've often shared personal anecdotes like the following because they illustrate how unschooling parents can pursue their own passions while remaining in tune with their children. Art is a big part of my life so I'll often use that as an example.

Some of our greatest moments unfold around my home when I'm deep into some project of my own and the kids swirl in (and sometimes back out). When we moved into our home, I set up an art area in the garage. All of our supplies are down there, and it's a huge, happy mess. I made sure to put a desk and chair for smaller people so they can get to paper and other supplies with ease.

One day, I was down there creating spirit dolls when Sierra wandered in and got excited, so I helped her start a doll of her own. Jalen eventually joined us and started painting and stamping while Sierra and I continued working on our dolls.

This is a frequent scenario in our home. I'll be involved in something, and the kids join in as they choose. All of my family members have asked questions about the dolls and given their opinions on different ones. Our interests overlap and affect each other—that's the way interests work!

While I was showing the boys a new doll, they were excitedly sharing their day on World of Warcraft and how they were killing off Alliance characters from a hidden vantage point that left their enemies baffled. They were having SO much fun with it, and we were all able to share the energy of our passions with each other.

Such a huge part of unschooling is the modeling. Do the parents have activities they participate in just because they enjoy it? Do the parents KNOW what their interests and passions are? Are they actively pursuing that which brings joy? I think there's a balance of meeting our children's needs and also having an interesting, full and bubbly life that shows them what an authentic life looks like.

If you have very young children, it's hard to imagine having any time...but it will come. In the mean time, interests can be adapted around those very young children in smaller doses. Those with older children are already in the position to freely share passionate pursuits together, without as many constraints on time.

I strongly believe that parenthood is not a threat to the creative processes, but a predecessor to our best and most authentic work. These beings we have channeled through ourselves and into this world have the capacity to bring out our greatest forms of expression as we nurture our own inner creative child alongside them.

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"Imagination Tribe was developed out of a very intense desire for a community of creative souls that could help nourish me. I knew there had to be other women out there, that needed this form of support so I dove in and created a space online. We now have over 200 members and several art trades per month. All ages, all forms of expression and all levels (wherever you perceive yourself on the continuum) of artists are welcome to participate. The underlying theme of imagination tribe is about nourishing the creative genius within. It's a great place to facilitate healing.

Though there are many unschoolers on the list, it is open to anyone and everyone that feels a need for this type of support.

Some of our projects have included a circle journal, regular Artist Trading Card swaps, altered tins and funky bag trades. There's always something new and exciting to choose from, or interesting conversations to be join."

—Ren, on IT

Economics of Unschooling: issue 1

2009-11-21T10:36:00.000-05:00

"We want to buy things that expand our children's worlds, that support their interests, but how far are we willing to take it?"

"There are probably many levels to my discomfort, layers of limited money, my own childhood and the idea of hungry children in other places."

"Guilt, shame or feelings of lack are far greater prices to pay in regards to food than any grocery budget damage. Spending a childhood controlled and portioned will likely result in an emotional cost far greater than most parents realize."

" Seems so simple—letting go of controlling others—but it can be a monumental hurdle when our own childhood was riddled with food (or other) controls. However, the price we pay for our childhood issues does not have to be exacted on the next generation. We have the power to make different choices each and every time we interact with our children."

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The Economics of Unschooling

by Ren Allen

When we begin this homeschooling journey, a lot of us think about the cost of books or movies or other “educational” materials. As we move towards unschooling (for those of us that didn’t get it right away), we start to look at costs a bit differently. We want to buy things that expand our children's worlds, that support their interests, but how far are we willing to take it? How many items do we see as frivolous or unnecessary? How many day to day costs are we factoring into the journey? Is our accounting realistic, and are we really being supportive of our children at the economic level?

I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately, as I examine the deeply ingrained messages I received as a child. One day, as I stood in the kitchen scraping food into the composting bin, I was surprised how the feelings of “wasted food” began surging up. We have never been members of the clean-your-plate club, so why the uncomfortable twinges when throwing food away? There are probably many levels to my discomfort, layers of limited money, my own childhood and the idea of hungry children in other places. When I break it down logically, however, based on my unschooling lifestyle, there is no such thing as “wasted” food. Every meal my children eat is part of their life experience. Every new food they try, every ingredient they learn about, every item we cook together is part of their learning.

As I was having these thoughts, I wondered how much money a typical home schooling parent might choose to spend on a health curriculum. Probably more than all the food my children “waste” in an entire year! Eating and food are part of my children’s learning experiences as much as anything else. They are learning with the real thing, with actual FOOD, rather than some prepackaged curriculum designed to teach them about health. More than that, the learning that happens from these real life experiences goes so much deeper than simple nutrition. From Japan, wasabe and sushi, to composting, worms and seeds, my children are learning about the rich connections to their world (of which food is one part) as they build an internal model of the universe.

Composting has helped ease my guilt about throwing food away. We go to “feed the worms” each night, and my children are learning about another connection to their world and to the lifecycle. From an economic standpoint, feeding the worms is making new compost for our garden, saving us the cost of purchasing fertilizer or compost for the plants we’re going to eat.

When we're planting vegetables, or digging in the dirt to find worms, Jalen, fascinated with the plant's lifecycle, frequently asks, "what is this going to grow into?" We often meander our way through the wild backyard, picking blackberries and discussing the many interesting insects we find eating the food with us, later looking up actual names like "Jumping, Daring Spider" (yes, there really IS a spider that bears such a name!).

Giving my children freedom to listen to their bodies in regards to food, trusting them to know how much and when they want to eat, probably adds up to more money spent on groceries. I could dole out portions and meals and save money temporarily, I’m pretty sure. But, what are the long-term consequences of such actions?

If we think of in terms of financial cost, freedom makes a lot more sense.

What does one trip to the psychologist's office to treat an eating disorder cost?
What does a diet cost, buying the meal plan or the books or other accoutrements?
What does a health club membership cost?
A trainer to help you lose weight?

How about a childhood lived in freedom, listening to one’s body and learning its signals?

A childhood spent learning about food in its many forms and how one's own body responds to varying foods is a fabulous insulator against potential problems. The cost of more groceries or more time spent in the kitchen seems well worth it when one considers the alternatives.

Which brings us to the emotional costs of limits. Guilt, shame or feelings of lack are far greater prices to pay in regards to food than any grocery budget damage. Spending a childhood controlled and portioned will likely result in an emotional cost far greater than most parents realize. Every choice we make, every action we take has some kind of cost attached to it. What price are we asking our kids to pay each time we take action? Or, rather than making withdrawls, are we paying into the relationship bank with kindness, respect and freedom of choice?

Food controls do exhort a price on our children, a price that will cost more in the long-run, not only to the self-awareness of our children, but also to the relationship and to the physical balance that's denied in the process.

Food should be a celebration of life. Ideally, it is a source of pleasure and connectedness, not stress. Even with a smaller budget, approaching food and nourishment with an attitude of abundance will do so much for the level of calm and peace in a family. Portioning and worrying and talking about what one does not have isn’t going to help children feel the warmth or joy that a family exploring food with an open mind can create.

Peace and joy are more healing than any food of which I know. Healthy relationships, in which all members of the family are respected and given choice, create enough harmony to overcome any ill-effects of the “junk food” so many parents worry about constantly.

This is not to say that all foods are equally valuable. They aren’t. But when a loving parent is creating an environment of abundance, in which healthier choices are consistently available, there need not be worry about the “balanced diet.” Children will balance themselves quite nicely given a wide range of choices. All the worry and stress surrounding food choices is robbing people more than the actual “junk food” would.

From an economic standpoint, what is the price of freedom? What is the price of joy and peace in a home?

Judging by the stress level inherent in so many families, I’d wager it would fetch a pretty high price, yet we can have it for the cost of detaching ourselves from other people’s choices. We can have it by honoring ourselves and our children, listening to our bodies and letting go of worry.

Seems so simple—letting go of controlling others—but it can be a monumental hurdle when our own childhood was riddled with food (or other) controls. However, the price we pay for our childhood issues does not have to be exacted on the next generation. We have the power to make different choices each and every time we interact with our children.

Nagging voices about waste often have as much impact on our attitude towards food as nutrition. Another way we choose to spend money on food in my family, for example, is on “experiment” items. My children always love getting into food items and making goop or some strange witches' brew. I used to have a hard time watching my food get used that way. My solution? Purchase specific items just for that purpose.

I buy the most inexpensive flour, baking soda, vinegar, eggs and food dye (or whatever else they need) in order to supply my budding geniuses with the tools they need to build their curiosity. We’ve had egg drops from the deck, very strange looking “soup,”, some major vinegar/baking soda explosions and flour/water mixture plastered to everything in the kitchen!

Every time I felt that old familiar “but it’s being wasted” voice rise up in my head, I just thought about what one “educational” book would cost. I thought about the mere pennies spent on the flour and compared that to some workbooks or manipulative. Cheap flour wins every time!

Thinking about the economics of my children's choices has helped me release any angst over the projects and use of materials. Supporting whatever fascinates them at the moment leads to real learning, the kind that will be theirs for life. The cost of providing that is minimal, really, when I think of the money we could spend on experiences and materials that wouldn’t truly be their own.

I think of my husband's attitude one day when he saw them smashing watermelon, milk, tomatoes and banana into a bowl for “soup”. They were so proud of this concoction, smiling and telling me all about the features. Markus walked into the room and said, “did you know they’re wasting food?”

“No, actually dear, they’re USING food,” I responded. In the wake of his comment, I could see the joy vanish for an instant, a brief cloud passing over their eyes. But, Daddy moved on, and the experiment continued joyfully. My children looked to me for affirmation, and my smile reminded them that the experiment was worthy. This moment was a good reminder to me that my choice of words about their projects, my judgments, and messages are SO important to filter. The money used that day will be forgotten. The empowerment Jalen and Sierra felt from making their very own recipe will stay with them.

So really then, what is the cost of unschooling?

The answer, of course, is going to vary drastically from family to family, depending on available resources. How we think about these costs, however, can really transform the support we’re lending to our children’s interests. When certain costs rise up, I sometimes cringe, but when I start comparing whatever item is drawing attention, whatever interest requires some support, all I have to do is think of it in school terms. Maybe that sounds crazy, but this comparison allows me more fully to embrace the financial impact of this unschooling lifestyle.

For instance, when Jalen is passionate about a movie and all the toys or characters that go with it, all I have to think about is the cost of preschool. The monthly school fee is far greater than all the desires he could have in a month. His world is expanded to a much greater degree by having his choices supported than by being sent to some institution.

When Trevor wants another video game or computer part, all I have to do is think about the college prep courses and schooling that so many parents would rather spend their money on. Trevor's education is his own, and I have no doubt that his learning is more fluid, more adaptable, and more useful to him both now and in the future than that of many of his schooled counterparts.

Sierra has gotten very excited about watercolor paints lately, and the paper is not exactly the least expensive paper you can find in the art store. She adores nicely textured watercolor paper. We stand in the aisle, touching, comparing, and discussing the features of each paper. How we crave that 300# cold pressed sheet! Instead, we buy a tablet of 140# and call it good…for now.

When the cost of the paint or paper causes me to shudder, I think about the cost of a painting class. What would I be willing to pay for Sierra to sit down with a group of children in a class situation? Why would that hold any more value than simply supplying her with the proper materials and trusting her to find her own way into the world of art? How would most teachers understand her desire to paint exactly what she chooses, in the way she chooses? Would they trust her own processes more than their desire to teach? What kind of materials would they provide for a group of nine year olds? I bet it wouldn’t be decent quality paper or Van Gogh paints!

I can provide that and more for a mere fraction of the class cost, and I’m happy to do so. The look in her eyes and the joy on her face is something I treasure. They tell me that these materials are money well spent, regardless of any final product. Exploration and process are more important as she continues to trust her own efforts.

Thinking about what I would be willing to spend if my children were using a curriculum, attending private school or participating in “educational” activities has allowed me more joyfully to fund the things that really matter to them.

What are the costs that get supported in your home? What are the costs that are harder to swallow? Are you truly honoring the choices that your children make? I find it useful to ask myself these questions time and time again, as I continue to make different choices that help me grow into being a better parent.

Rather than an investment in school or curriculum, I've chosen to invest in my children, in their interests, their passions, their real lives. Some of the items I have struggled with affording at one time, but now make a bigger effort to juggle are things like

* Video games and game systems;
* entry fees and memberships for parks, museums, galleries etc.;
* magazine subscriptions;
* books; never had a problem supporting book buying in general, but what about when they want a $20 Audubon guide or a $30 Dungeons and Dragons guide?;
* extra gas to explore more in our area;
* movies.

These are just a few examples of what our “curriculum” consists of as natural learners. With my schooled mind, I still find it easier to get excited when they want a globe or science kit or geography book. Yes, that schooling is still part of me and probably always will be. But, I can choose to ignore the brainwashing and embrace the fullness and richness of getting outside that narrow box. Trusting and supporting my children’s curiosity has helped quiet those voices from my past.

Ask yourself, is your child’s joy enough to convince you to spend the money? Are you looking for a certain result or outcome with money spent? Does the money you spend come with strings attached and expectations?

Our children's happiness in exploration should be enough. Their freedom to try something new should be enough. Experimenting, dabbling, and discarding are important parts of the learning process. These explorations don't have to lead to great paintings, well-known music or a new business proposition; the fact that they’ve added something to their internal model of the universe means learning is happening. Those experiences are theirs, and the likelihood that they will draw upon those experiences later in life is very high. Trust the process, support the process, and take joy in the fact that by giving them materials to explore, you’re avoiding the truly high cost of schooling which often exacts its price in the form of crushing creativity, sense of self, and joy in learning.

Paying attention to our own inner dialogue and responses can be crucial in this unschooling journey. I remember the night of my Birthday this year. My sister had wrapped my gift in an assortment of tissue papers, all brightly colored and inspiring thoughts of art projects. The children gathered at my house joyfully snatched up the amalgam of paper and started sculpting it into “clothes” and creatively smashing, tearing and otherwise using it. My first reaction was “Oh wait you guys, I want to use that for ATC’s and altered books.” The reaction surprised me. I thought to myself how much tissue costs. I could pick up an entire pack of lovely colors at the Dollar Store!

In the meantime, the tissue WAS being used for art projects as my sister gently reminded me. The most important kind of art, the stuff that swirls up out of joy and interest in the moment. If I had to replace $10 worth of paper, it wasn’t worth interrupting their play. It was just tissue paper—inexpensive, easily replaced, and oh-so-fun in the moment. Interestingly, we have used it in projects since that night; the crumpling it received has only added an interesting texture.

As unschooling parents, we can do a lot to change our ingrained reactions and beliefs in life. When I have an internal reaction that does not jibe with my current lifestyle or belief system, my children don’t even have to know. I can carry on these dialogues internally to further my understanding and make choices that don’t inhibit the joyful blossoming of learning that happens in our home.

Comparing costs and considering the impact of these choices helps me weigh what is truly important in our family. Self questioning is one more tool that assists me in releasing irrational behaviors from my past that are no longer helpful as my family and I pursue the path of unschooling, creating an environment that enables curiosity, joy, and learning to blossom naturally.

Natural learning does have a cost attached to it. So does school. In choosing this unschooling path, we are choosing to put our money into people, into interests, into passions, into the things that really matter for each of us. I look at myself as an investor. I invest time, money and creative energy into helping my children explore their world more fully. I am investing in them as human beings. Human beings who have the potential to affect change in this world. Human beings who aren’t crushed by school thought and the paralysis it can bring. Human beings who will have the ability to see their passions as the most important path in life and who possess a deep inner knowledge that learning is a life-long endeavor. Along the way I am also investing in my own passions and interests alongside them. My children know what it means to honor those inner urgings because they see it played out from day to day as we all learn together and apart.

The economics of this unschooling journey affect us all, regardless of socio-economic status. If we can choose to see the world as a place full of opportunity and new experiences and view ourselves as a creative force that can change our reality, then natural learning can unfold more joyfully in our homes. James Russel Lowe once said, “Creativity is not the finding of a thing, but the making something out of it after it is found.” Let us all strive to sculpt more beautifully and mindfully the life that we possess, with money, time and energy given to that which makes our own and our children's souls sing.

Crystallized learning: issue 0

2009-11-15T00:41:00.001-05:00

"When a child asks a question—
maybe just a simple one like 'what are clouds made of?'—they are picking up a sweet particle of information that is meaningful to them at that moment."

"Information that is meaningful for their journey is not taken lightly but explored with wonder and awe."

"By choosing to unschool, I am giving my children the ability simply to enjoy the journey rather than to seek some unknown destination that falsely promises an end product."

"I see my children’s learning, and like the sugar crystals, it is multi-faceted and beautiful, reflecting unique bits of the wonder-filled universe around them."

Crystallized Learning
by Ren Allen

As I stirred sugar into my Darjeeling tea this morning, I pondered just which sugar cystal was the one that caused my taste buds to perceive sweetness. If I dropped one crystal into the cup, I wouldn't notice it at all. If I continued dropping crystals, one at time, eventually my taste buds would pick up the sweet flavor, and I would have made a success of morning tea. How many crystals does it take? Which crystal denotes success? What if one of those crystals went missing, would I even know?

I looked at this bag of sugar, this organically grown wonder of mankind and thought about knowledge.

School says we need certain crystals, dropped into our brain in a certain order or they are useless.

School says we ALL need the same amount of crystals at the same time in life in order to be a success.

School says the crystals they give us are valuable, but the crystals you gather in your free time are not.

School says crystals must be memorized and spit back, rather than swirled around, tasted and digested at will.

School is wrong.

Grains of sand, snow crystals, cubes of salt and sugar, floating dust motes suspended in rays of light. These are all things with which we are familiar, but pay little heed. Unless you are building a sandcastle, playing in the snow, baking, growing sugar cane or have some love of dusting, these tiny particles are just another part of the background hum of life.

When a person learns about how water refracts light, that's a tiny bit of information that may not seem connected to anything important at the time. But if it interested you, and you learned something, that’s a crystal of information you just added to the tea of your life. When you pick up a magazine and read something that piques your interest, that's another crystal. When a child asks a question—maybe just a simple one like "what are clouds made of?"—they are picking up a sweet particle of information that is meaningful to them at that moment.

Unschoolers know that these seemingly tiny and insignificant bits are actually part of something very magical: learning. Real learning. Learning that stays with you for life. Learning that slowly, over time and with nurture, begins to sweeten and grow and saturate all that you do. Learning that fulfills the needs of the learner, that assists them in their unique life journey. Learning that brings joy and desire for more experiences. Learning that is meaningful not only for the learner, but for the world.

The "crystals" we pick up from day to day would probably seem insignificant to most of the world. My children ask questions, conversations swirl up, play evolves and interests are tickled. Every day they're living a rich, full, inquisitive life—really living.

Living involves not only exciting "aha" moments, but also day to day activities such as getting dressed, eating and performing daily household tasks. Recognizing the importance of every moment, every interest and question is the key to an unschooler's crystal collecting. Who knows which crystal will begin to saturate one's life with passion? Who knows when that one extra bit of information will lead to something grand?

And if it doesn’t lead to something grand? Well, there are plenty of crystals in the cup, sweetening the whole deal. Isn't that enough? Isn't a desire to know something valuable in and of itself? Isn't that what life is about? We question, ponder, pontificate, muck about, play, seek and make new discoveries. That's what we humans do. We search for answers, and in the searching we find out that the journey is what matters. The process of living itself lends a richness and depth to each day; it is within the journey of living well that we find the greatest meaning.

To take the analogy further, I started thinking about these particles in their natural state. When we stand on millions of grains at the beach, we are standing on a former mountain. We don't usually remember that fact, but a grand and large monument of nature was slowly worn by Father Time and Mother Nature giving way to its smaller particles, providing a lovely cushion for waves and feet, a protective habitat for living beings and plantlife.

When humans gather particles of knowledge, seemingly disconnected, they are wise to remember the grand and monumental mountain that is being built. Every tiny piece of information is connected to every other piece of information in the universe. All of it counts. All of it adds to the framework of the unique journey called life. Every grain is a part and parcel of something grand--try to see the mountain within, try to grasp these grand connections through the eyes of an life-long learner.

Then, there are crystals—reflective, intricate, complex bits that fascinate us. When I think about all the bits that school tried to force into my being, I think about something one-dimensional. This force-fed "knowledge" had little meaning for my life's journey and did nothing for my joy factor. Interest was not the fuel for learning; it was the whim of the school board, the teacher and a history steeped in bias and agenda. I see my children's learning, and like the sugar crystals, it is multi-faceted and beautiful, reflecting unique bits of the wonder-filled universe around them.

As a person gathers knowledge for the sake of passion, fueled by interest, their knowledge has a richness, depth and character to it that is complex. Those bits and pieces become part of them in a way that is deeply meaningful. In discussion, I can hear the excitement and joy in my children's voices, see that light in their eyes that lets me know these bits and pieces are relevant and meaningful. They are not some memorized, useless factoids to be discarded after a short time but an intricate structure of personal knowledge that is built with zeal.

By choosing to unschool, I am giving my children the ability simply to enjoy the journey rather than to seek some unknown destination that falsely promises an end product. My children’s lives are their own; their dreams and passions belong to them, and in gathering the bits that matter, they are showing me that natural learning is grand and simple all at once. The light that emanates from them awes me to silence.

The things in life unschooled children take for granted have the potential to change the world. They take for granted the fact that learning is FUN. They take for granted the fact that the adults in their lives treat them with respect and honor their uniqueness. They take for granted the fact that they have access to the things they love, the places and people they enjoy. They take for granted their unschooling lives because it's what they know and live every day. Learning is just part of living. Adding a tiny bit of knowledge to their cup is what they do every time something excites them or grabs their attention. Information that is meaningful for their journey is not taken lightly but explored with wonder and awe.

It makes for a very sweet life indeed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Ren Allen has been homeschooling since 1996 and is an active supporter of unschooling both online and in her local community since 2000. She assists those newer to unschooling through an online discussion group and speaking publicly whenever possible. Passions include helping people explore their unique creativity through art classes, makeup artistry and creativity workshops. She also enjoys art, writing, travel, herbal medicine, gardening and eating truffles with a good cup of darjeeling. You can find Ren at imaginationtribe or unschoolingbasics, at her website learninginfreedom.com or by emailing her at starsuncloud@comcast.net.

Wigging out at ARGH!

2009-11-12T23:15:00.000-05:00

Hiking at Buffalo Mountain 10-09

2009-10-28T22:19:00.005-04:00

One of the things I love about this area are all the opportunities for hiking. Buffalo Mountain is right in town, yet offers amazing views and private trails winding up and over the hills.

The dead tree at overlook bluff reminds us of the devastating fire that happened last summer. I'm glad we got pictures before this tree was killed. The fire came right up this overlook yet left a small bench undamaged.

Jalen and Silas checking out a woolly bear.

Laura making faces...as usual. ;) You can see a swathe of the fire damage behind them. Another beautiful day in the hills of Tennessee!

Cid needs your vote!

2009-10-27T00:12:00.004-04:00

Cid is an awesome, artsy, unschooling mama and could really use your help. I turned nachos into a burning inferno in my oven the first time I met her (above pic after I put the flames out) and she still doesn't think I'm a total ditz...ok, maybe a little. Anyway, vote for Cid!!

I copied and pasted the following from Zenmomma's blog.

Good Mood Gig

My friend Cid is trying to win a job as a paid "Good Mood Blogger" (seriously, that's what it's called) and she needs our help. All it takes is a click of your mouse to give her your vote. Won't you be a dear and go over to the contest site and vote for her. And if you want some extra good karma, repost this request on your blog or Facebook page and really help her get the VOTE FOR CID! momentum going.

Good Mood Gig from SAM-e

Bible rant

2009-10-20T11:52:00.001-04:00

I was going to post this at facebook but it was too long for as status update and I really need to vent right now. So here ya go...my vent for today:

Quoted from a convo at facebook: "I know of only ONE bible, the HOLY bible".

Oh, you mean the CHRISTIAN bible? Because if there is only ONE bible then why don't the Jews, the Muslims, the Buddhas, the B'hai, the Hindus etc.... use it? I think some Christians are really christian-centric and can't even imagine that other religions not only have their own bible, but they love and cherish it just as much as the Christians.

There are many colors, religions and beliefs in the world people....all of whom feel just as strongly about their bible as you do (or not) so quit shoving your damn bible in people's faces. It's really old. You don't even know what your own bible says.....then there are those of us who don't need a bible to do the right thing and know it better than most Christians do. sigh.

Unerzogen article

2009-10-13T21:53:00.005-04:00

I co-wrote an article on "atypical" children with Heather Newman for Unerzogen Magazine in Germany. I won't actually be able to understand the final version which is completely in German, but Johanna of Unerzogen translated it back to English for me. So the following is my original piece, translated to German and back to English again. :)

It was a serendipitous thing to co-write it with Heather as she and I had just met at Life is Good in Vancouver WA this May. Her son Ben and my Jalen hit it off at the conference and spent a lot of time together. It was really great to have those images of our children playing and get to meet her and her other children while we were visiting. She's a most patient and gentle mama.

Our article can be purchased online (if you read German) complete with pictures and such.

~~This article was released
in issue 3/09 of unerzogen Magazine, a German
print magazine about respectful
parenting, democratic education and
unschooling.~~

The following is my contribution to the dual article:

We don’t need any labels

Ren Allen refused to get a diagnosis for her son

My youngest child was born into our family in the year 2001, just about the time my husband and I were reconciling an almost failed marriage. He was born in the safety and comfort of home with his parents, Grandparents and siblings nearby in the early hours of morn. Breastfed before the cord was cut and nestled next to my body almost 24/7. He was perfect and beautiful and fully loved. By the time he has less than half a year of breathing experience, we knew something was "different". Nothing drastic. Nothing we couldn't handle. We thought we had a very needy baby. We did.

By the time he was two years old we knew it was a lot more than simple "neediness". Fortunately for my babsy boy, we had embraced unschooling before he was born and had started questioning many of our parenting practices with a lot more mindfulness than we had done with our older kids. Because of that questioning and growth, we all benefited as we journied down the road of "atypical". The term "breastfed on demand" had a whole new meaning...emphasis on the "demand" portion. He didn't develop language until close to age three, creating a whole new line of questioning for well-intentioned family and friends who were sure I was negligent for not taking him to speech therapy. He was explosive and intense in ways I could hardly describe to outsiders. A "melt-down" often meant that he and I were locked in a room together as I tried to keep my other children safe from flying missiles. Rages could go on for an hour or more. There were days I questioned my ability to help this child safely navigate this world, days I cried in a heap on the floor because I felt so inadequate. Days I wondered if my intuition were correct that he just needed love, safety and lots of time to unfold as the person-he-is, rather than who anyone else wanted him to be.

All children deserve trust

I had an ace in the hole though. I had unschooling lists and voices of other parents with "intense" children who were like a soothing balm when I read about the very same behaviors they were meeting with gentle response. Parents like Anne Ohman, Unschooling advocate and author, who wrote "I am what I am" which brought me to tears, recognizing my own child in her beautiful essay though her son’s traits are far different. She wrote "Unschooling has been a gift to our entire family, one that now defines our very way of life. And it has been this gift of unschooling that has saved my child’s spirit and his self-concept and all of our sanities."

Saved my child's spirit and his self-concept. Exactly. I knew without a shred of doubt that therapy and schooling would shatter my child's vision of himself, make him doubt where there was only confidence, create "broken" where there was "whole". I couldn't do it. So on dark days when I wasn't the best mother in that moment, or I wondered if we were indeed doing him a disservice by not seeking out more (more of what I'm not sure) I found that quiet confidence born of tapping into community. Yes, that online community of words and thoughts given by strangers oft times. Strangers who had faith that their child needed no labels, needed no "fix" but needed the same trust that all children deserve.

Diagnoses

I came to a point a few years ago when I needed answers. It was more for my husband and children than for myself at that point. I had read about "ODD" and "SID", "Aspergers" and "ADHD" by then. But it was getting harder and harder to convince the rest of the family that support and patience were needed. A child who looks like every other child is thought to be simply "rude" or "ill-behaved" when they don't behave in certain ways. I remember looking up descriptions of diagnoses and emailing them to my husband, asking him if it made him feel better that there could be a diagnosis if we chose to get one. Did we need a label from an expert to be the parents this child needed? I was willing to go get one if it would help him connect and support better. He took a step back and agreed that no diagnosis was needed. We would continue as we always had....taking over when one partner was struggling, loving Jalen even more when he was acting less loveable, using techniques with the intent to support our child, not "fix" him.

Cherry-picking

Reading up on the various labels, I looked up just what the therapies look like for those labels. Many of them seem disrespectful to the child and it was easy to discard those ideas. But I did find useful information too...pushing games, physical equipment that is comforting for children for whom sensory information can be overwhelming.

Over the years we bought a Mayan hammock, a trampoline, we kept blankets everywhere for rolling him in when we discovered that he was purposely stuffing his clothes to create a swaddling effect. Roller blades and scooters became part of our indoor equipment, items he brought into the mix on his own, showing us new ways to help meet his needs. Brushes for scratching his back, massages (almost constantly sometimes), readily available snacks and swings are some of the ways we learned to be more supportive. We found water to be an almost magical elixir. Getting out to rivers and pools on a regular basis was (and remains) so important.

Everything we did was geared towards support, geared towards helping him function in a world that is a difficult for him to navigate.

And this is the difference between your average mainstream reaction to "atypical" children and the unschooling approach. In most circles the child is discussed as someone with a "disability" or "disorder". They are broken. Therapy is there to make them fit in to mainstream society. Those children often become stunted versions of themselves in order to fit in.

Unschooling families learn about therapy (or use it) in order to better support the child. The changes are being made within ourselves. I learned about the labels so that I could be a better parent, not to alter who-he-is. The motivation is to understand and connect, to support and embrace.

Therapy for support, not for repair

The closest thing we did to therapy was a short round of Neuro-feedback. It's a non-invasive, gentle way of helping the brain function at it's best. For anyone. It's not a "fix" nor does it change the patient. A good friend was getting licensed as a Neuro-feedback practitioner and let us try it out. It was an unusual situation in the fact that my friend understood my child and supported us whole-heartedly in unschooling and gentle parenting. I knew she would be respectful of him and not take it personally if he was blunt with her. Our sessions went very well until one day he decided he was done and didn't want to go back. He was very weepy after this session so I believe it may have tapped some of the emotional trauma he experienced in the womb.

Just recently he has been requesting that we start doing the "brain games" (his name for Nuerofeedback) again at our friend's house. We can bring options into his life but the choice of how and when and whether or not to use them will remain his. We are partners in this journey. He knows I support his decisions and will always be a safe place to land when things seem out of whack. I believe when we are at our worst it is the time we need gentle love the most.

Certain treatment doesn’t guarantee certain outcome

It is reassuring to know that other parents are traveling this path with us. We read on the unschooling lists occasionally things like "if you're respectful to your child, they will be respectful" or "unschooled children are so sweet and______-fill-in-the-blank". I like to hear from the parents that don't fit these generalities.

I'm one of the parents sitting there thinking "NOT!". It's not true that the way a child is raised equals certain behavior. Not always. Had I stopped with my first three children I would probably agree with those sentiments! I would never have thought that an attachment-parented child could be explosive and angry from birth. That a non-spanked, non-punished, deeply loved child could say things like "You suck" just because you ran out of bread or gum. I had never experienced a child wishing I was dead or throwing things at me. I didn't know how deeply and intensely I could love a child that did those things on a regular basis.

Trust

Parents worry about their child reading or writing when they are first learning about unschooling and the trust it entails. Those seem such tawdry worries to me now. Reading and writing are easy to learn. What about human connections, learning how to show compassion when someone makes you angry? What about being able to converse in logical terms with your child, in order to make sense of a difficult moment? Or having a child that gets angry when you're trying to do the exact thing they requested? I longed for those subjects. Reading and writing would come. Human interactions are much more complicated.

We still have cycles of intensity. But the "good days" are more and more frequent, they seem to move into good weeks and good months. The low cycles are less intense, the melt-downs short-lived and easier to handle now.

My trust is not placed in therapy or a label. My trust is in my child, in who-he-is and where we all are today in this very moment. My trust is in the fact that we humans learn and grow in our own way, on our own terms and the freedom to do so is paramount to healthy development. My trust is in the fact that all of my children are perfect and beautiful and fully loved.

Ren Allen

Infobox:

The good things

We often focus on the problems and difficult parts of having a child with ‘special needs’, which is understandable. But there are so many very cool things they bring into our lives too.

- They seem to hone in on the really cool people very quickly! If someone is unkind or impatient it will surface early on. The most incredible friends who stick will be the people who are deep wells of inspiration, kindness and creative thinking.

- In my case, Jalen is as intensely happy and creative as he is angry and destructive. The phrases and thinking that come from him are amazing! He's a constant stream of interesting and funny moments.

- A lot of these children fit the label "right-brained". I think that the left-brain/right-brain model is outdated but if you look at the character traits the model displays, many of the "sensitive" or "explosive" types of children fit those traits. A left-brained focused educational model is disastrous for them. What a gift to see the world through their eyes... it's a world full of magic, hidden secrets, exploration and very unusual methods of discovery. I'll never forget the time he cut a hole in the couch; "Tell me about this" I query.

He went on to describe how he was curious about what was inside the couch and wanted to see what was in there. Often what looks like destruction is really a curious mind at work.

- They dig deep into our own issues. Any kind of fear or baggage we carry, will be very quickly brought to the surface. There has been no greater growth in my life than parenting a child who stirs up stuff I didn't even know was there! He gives me many reasons to analyze my own behavior, to learn what it means to love unconditionally and face myself with compassion. When you can learn to love and hug a child that is angry or what is typically labeled as "annoying" you learn just what the depths of love can be.

- You learn to accept the asynchronicities in other people. It's much easier to see people as unique and exactly-who-they-need-to-be when you realize that behavior stems from need and personality and a host of other factors. It's harder to lump people into "mean" or "flaky" or other such terms when you realize that. He's helped me learn that more completely.

- Our entire family is much more open and willing to assist and support, to look at underlying needs and try to meet them rather than change someone else's behavior. We're still learning this but because of the intensities in some moments we're all better at supporting each other, even in the rough moments. He showed us that support is more important than any specific outcome.

- Have I mentioned how very funny he is? According to the yin-yang of everything, people have both sides of whatever qualities they possess. It leads to some very interesting conversations, some of which I place at my blog so I never forget how wonderful they are!

- He's helped me learn to truly BE in the moment. My best "bhodisattva" ever. I am reminded regularly, through his development that a person can only BE where they ARE today. Most "intense" or "out-of-synch" behaviors stem from a different developmental process. Just as babies learn to walk or talk at different times, each of us has a different developmental time table. There is no "Normal", just what is normal for each of us. Comparing is disastrous. We live in the moment with each of our children, trusting that development is a lifelong unfolding that happens best in trust and support. You learn to trust more fully as an unschooling parent. He brings me back to trust over and over again.

- A hug and a kiss can fix a lot. I've learned to hug and/or kiss (depending on the child's willingness of course...Jalen is pretty physical) when that is the last thing I want to do. I find that when we tap into the love, even in the middle of a potentially stressful moment, it can diffuse it beautifully.

- He's helped me learn to just go with the flow! Change directions, change a viewpoint, look deeper and trust that all is well.

Special Tips for unusual needs

Ren Allen and Heather Newman have put some suggestions together for you. You will find out that the games and parenting tools for ‚special needs‘ are also interesting and helpful for the normal everyday life with all kids. Allen and Newman point out that these suggestions are only a selection that helped themselves – without with no claim to be complete, and keeping in mind that all children are different.(1)

"Pushing" games

Games where partners push against each other’s hands or press feet and "pedal" together. Resistance and pressure are helpful when these kids are feeling overwhelmed. Games that involve throwing balls (keep several styles with different textures and shapes) or large physical movement.

Encourage Gross Motor Skills

Keeping toys and areas available that involve gross motor skills; trampolines (mini size for indoors are great), climbing bars/walls, scooters, roller blades, obstacle courses etc...Swinging seems to be especially soothing.

Brushes

Using a brush to rub the back, arms and legs. Standard brushes may be used, but some parents prefer the special therapy brushes. Some online shops carry many versions and other supportive tools.

Water play

Getting out to pools, lakes and rivers. At home very large bowls or buckets can be filled with water and pouring, squirting toys. Adding bubbles is a new layer of texture, not to mention a great way to get a child partially clean when they don't want a bath.

Swaddling

Keep enough blankets available, so that even older kids can swaddle; keep ace bandages around to wrap arms and legs.

Art with no goal

Drawing can frustrate at times (crayons and pencils break with too much pressure, too many ideas about what the drawing "should" look like etc..), so anything in which the textures are manipulated with hands or aimed at exploration rather than an end result,

i.e. art that involves "goo" or textures of some kind... finger paint, melted crayons (press paper into pools of melted crayons), corn starch mixed with water (just to play with), tin foil sculptures etc...

Parenting tools that help:

Being proactive

When going out of the home: bring toys, snacks etc... that you know will help you through a rough moment. True of all children but especially important if you know the senses might get overwhelmed.

Being creative

Find ways to honor their need to stay home or go into situations where you might have difficulties. When going out, it helps to make sure that you have an "out" if a gathering might going to be difficult for the child.

Go at their pace

This seems so obvious, but it can be important to mentally prepare yourself for instance that a normal grocery trip might be taking a lot longer or taking directions it wouldn't if it had been with other children. If for example grocery trips are especially difficult for the parent and/or the child, there mostly are solutions to carry shopping out without the child. Many parents try to never plan large trips.

Listening

Again, this seems obvious but sometimes when things are really intense or getting very illogical, it’s easy to follow the impulse to want to "fix" the situation. What many children need most in these situations, is someone to sit and sympathize and listen deeply. You can talk about the potential solutions or how to avoid the situation later. It can be difficult to sit and listen deeply when a child is hurling very angry statements at you. But the level of emotion can often times come back to balance much more quickly if children just feel heard... exactly what we all want when we feel out-of-control.

Being present

When melt-downs are very intense and prolonged, for many parents it can be hard to know when to walk away and when to be near. For some children, touching or trying to hold them make things worse, plus for some of them, walking away makes it again even worse too.

It helps when parents are fully present, allowing all that intensity to roll right over. You can picture yourself for example as a mountain, with the wind and storms washing over but not affecting it. This picture makes it easier to stay connected to the child, but not react to the emotions of the moment. If can’t decide between staying or leaving, the solution might be to stay near, just being present so that the child can feel safe.

Adequate Clothing

Be prepared to spend a lot of time finding socks or clothing that is comfortable! Don't insist on shoes unless absolutely necessary. Many kids are much happier barefoot. Slip-on sandals (the kind people wear at pools) are great!

Avoid power struggles.

The most simple request can turn into a battle, even when you've done everything "right". Diffusing with humor is helpful. Turn it into a game if you can.

Give lots of extra time for transitions

Transitions can be very difficult. Being right next to the child as you try to transition to a different activity is best. Make them more appealing by keeping items/food nearby for helping smooth the transition.. Having to switching gears can also be hard for some people.

Win-Win for everybody

To have "How do we make this work for everyone?" as your highest goal, helps the family to focus on working for better solutions, even if it seems nearly impossible at times, to find adequate solutions. If every family member knows their needs are important it smooths the process.

Avoid thinking in labels!

Avoid thinking of your child in terms of a label, even if you've had a diagnosis. We all could attach labels to ourselves but it narrows our view of a person. Even "gifted" is harmful. Also the term "intense" can become a dangerous descriptor if it causes us to see that person through this lense. Maybe a behavior or moment was intense, rather than the person themselves.

People need room to grow and change and not a description of something that they supposedly ARE. Labels don't help us stay connected to the changing people walking this journey with us. It’s enough to just be ourselves.

(1) Ren Allen and Heather Newman go an unusual way by dispensing with diagnoses and therapys. These suggestions and the reports neither replace a therapy, nor do they want to advice against an adequate or essential therapy. Please speak with your doctor or trusted expert if needed.

Infobox

Reading suggestions:

~The Explosive Child, by Ross Greene; explosivechild.com

~Unconditional Parenting, by Alfie Kohn; Alfiekohn.org

~Punished by Rewards, by Alfie Kohn

~Parenting a Free Child, by Rue Kream; freechild.info

~The Highly Sensitive Child, by Elaine Aron; hsperson.com

~I Am What I Am, article by Anne Ohman; livingjoyfully.ca/anneo/anne_o.htm

Helpful YahooGroups Mailinglists:

~UnschoolingBasics; designed to deepen understanding of unschooling by applying it to all of our life, not just education.

~AlwaysUnschooled; Unschooling as a concept from birth

My second baby....

2009-09-29T22:24:00.003-04:00

...is still in Alaska. By the time he gets home in October, it will have been five months since I said goodbye at the Life is Good conference in Vancouver Washington!

He celebrated his 16th birthday at my sister's house, with family. We're going to have another celebration when he gets home. :) Heidi just blogged about Tristan's "late" reading journey (he's also a second baby) and it reminded me just how Jared learned to read...almost overnight, never learning the letter sounds at all. He figured them out after he could read!

We miss him so much. I think I've lost one of my children to the wonder and beauty that is my home state. The plan is to get Trevor, George and Jared up there next summer for a visit. We've got some saving and planning to do if that's going to happen!

Us? Living the creative life...as usual. Sierra is sewing, Jalen is gaming, Bleu is selling houses and I'm gearing up for the body art show on Friday!! Busy, busy week...as usual.

So tell me.....

2009-09-28T21:26:00.005-04:00

I asked at Facebook today:

So...tell me what you did today that was just for YOU. Something that nourishes your spirit and makes you feel whole. Name at least one thing...more is ok too.

Then I listed weeding in the garden and taking pics of the critters therein. But that wasn't all and Danielle inspired me to really list everything.

Here are some of the critters though. This gorgeous spider is absolutely huge. I've noticed her before and let her be, but today I got the camera out. You'll see my gloved hand behind her in the second picture, to show you just how big she really is! I've identified her as a Golden Garden Spider. *She's very cool!

*I have no idea how to sex spiders...it's just a "she" because I said so. ;)

This little guy (fuzzy things should be boys right?) was busily munching leaves and happily ignored me. I'm glad it likes the leaves of a common weed, lambs quarters, which are a little on the tough side right now. I like eating them in the spring but it grows easily and everywhere.

Other things I did, just for me:

~sip tea and look at the birds, and the messy garden
~chat with my sister, who is getting ready to drive to Fairbanks to help care for a friend that just had a cancerous tumor removed from her kidney.
~chat on facebook with some of my favorite people
~lit a candle
~dreamed
~listened to some U2
~walked in the sunshine
~drove into town for some candy at the Lollipop shop (for the kids, but going into my downtown is for all of us)...then a stop at the new lavender shop. Standing there and smelling an entire shop full of lavender items was my meditation for the day! Amazing.
~weeding the kitchen garden is total meditation too....the smells of basils, lavender, lemon verbena, oregeno, summer savory and other heady scents makes it so pleasant.
~Prepping for the body art show...researching photos as points of reference for the art, working on fish fins and tail feathers and such

Those things were just for me....they don't include food prepared for all of us, hugs, watching my kids make things that make them happy etc...

I agree with Danielle, I am one of my favorite people! I can't imagine spending this much time with someone I didn't really like.:) Leave a comment about the many ways you nourish yourself each day....cuz you're worth it you know.

Storytelling Festival

2009-09-26T21:36:00.005-04:00

It was ten years ago that I first visited the small, energetic and picturesque town of Jonesborough. My mother was coming down for the Storytelling Festival and wanted the kids and I to meet her here. It was a magical, amazing weekend filled with stories and laughter and connections and tired legs (have I mentioned that Jonesborough is very hilly?) from hiking to all the different tents filled with diverse stories that made us laugh and cry and see ourselves in our fellow humans.

I fell in love with this little town, nestled up against the rolling Appalachian mountains. My Mum died seven years ago, we moved here four years ago. I couldn't have predicted any part of the journey to Jonesborough but looking back it was always meant to be a part of my life. That's how some things are.

Next weekend is the 2009 Storytelling Festival. We're watching tents pop up all over town right now, more and more visitors show up every day. Our tiny town becomes overpopulated for those few days.

Sierra wanted to go walking in the rain today, so we did. As we walked in the rain, I remembered sunnier days and many firsts in my little town; Jared sound asleep on the sidewalk in front of The Bistro as we waited for a seat, hiking the hills with my laughing Mum, being mesmerized by the spells a storyteller can weave and that feeling of driving through this town and sighing like my soul had found it's home. It had.

We stopped by the International Storytelling Center which was just breaking ground when we first came here. There was only the funding and the idea, no building yet.
It has become the heart of storytelling for the world.

A wet stop to the brick my Mum purchased in support of the storytelling center when we were all here for the festival. Thanks Mum, for bringing me here and sharing your passion for a well-told story. The legacy lives.....

Another realization....revisiting LOA

2009-09-26T21:26:00.000-04:00

I realize what it is about new age metaphysical lines of thought that really irritate me. Finally I realize the touch point. The idea that a person is "one" with everything else that exists and judgment is useless. We're all supposed to be light and love and connectedness right? But that's a judgment. Saying something is beautiful is as much a judgment as saying it's ugly. Telling someone they're amazing is as much a judgment as saying they're nuts. Sure, one isn't as kind but they're all judgments whether the person wants to admit it or not.

Beyond the fact that niceties are forms of judgment too, there's the fact that human beings can be "enlightened" (whatever that means for you) and still be dealing with rage, discomfort, judgment...whatever it is you want to put there that is deemed negative. We are creatures of complexity and spiritual evolution isn't about NOT being human. In my view, it's about fully embracing and understanding our humanness. It's not shying away from the darkness, it's about being totally ok with it.

Sierra's new blog

2009-09-23T22:59:00.001-04:00

Where she is sharing her latest passion...sewing and design!! Every day I come home, there is some new outfit or hat or accessory she's made up. Now she's blogging about her original designs. Check out Stitch-stitch!

Another Jalen QOTD

2009-09-23T14:12:00.003-04:00

The boy runs to me for a big hug this morning, grinning and saying "Mom, I am growing up so fast!"

Me: "I think you're growing up at just the right speed for you, exactly how you're meant to grow."

Jalen: "Yep, I'm growing up fast. Fast is the right speed for me."

Shucks.

Jalen QOTD

2009-09-20T12:15:00.003-04:00

I'm chatting with the boy-who-just-woke-up and notice he slept in just his underwear.

"So you like sleeping without jammies now?"
"Yep, it feels good."
"Dad likes sleeping that way too"
"Yeah, except his underwear doesn't have sleeves."

The boy-who-just-woke-up likes boxers, not briefs.

Learning by doing

2009-09-19T23:43:00.005-04:00

Design by Sierra Allen

I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it. ~ Pablo Picasso

There is this notion in our society, that one must learn certain things so they can eventually do something worthy. One must learn in little blocks and chunks, information handed to you so that you will be prepared to do something in the future. If an interest swirls up, that is outside of the school curriculum, you sign up for lessons or classes.

You go and learn the thing so you can then do the thing.
But what about doing to learn? What about jumping right in and DOing a thing in order to learn how to do it? What about not knowing the "how" and doing it anyway?

Sounds crazy right? But in the DOing we find the learning. In the doing and mucking and exploration we find our way. We find the people or resources most useful for the exact information we need at that moment. We learn a deeper, richer more meaningful context for the new interest.

Sierra has been a great example of that lately. She dug out the old Serger machine that I inherited and never used last month. She hauled it with us to Asheville, hoping that someone (specifically George) could show her a few tips about using it. Leading up to that date she mucked about with it, took it apart, tried to read the manual and decided that was a waste of time. In Asheville, George showed her enough to have her questions answered (but see, she knew what to ask because she was already DOing!) and off she went again.

Since then, she's starting to sweat thread I believe....
The girl is sewing every day now, altering clothes, making up new things. Some of them work, some of them don't. In the doing of her fascination, she's learning the "how" and which questions to ask. She's learning which resources help her get the information she needs most (hurray for YouTube and video tutorials!) and as she learns more her processes get more refined.

I can't imagine a class that would offer more varied information, more challenge, more satisfaction or more learning.

I could have taken dozens of classes on beekeeping and none of it would have properly prepared me for the actual act of raising bees. Same for gardening, same for cooking, same for makeup artistry....you must be DOing a thing to truly learn it. So maybe that's just the best way to start with anything. Don't try to learn it first....DO it. In the DOing you'll find your way.

"What we have to learn to do, we learn by doing".
-Aristotle

Splashpad!

2009-09-15T00:23:00.010-04:00

We visited the Splashpad in Kingsport recently with several families in our homeschool group. It is such a cool place to enjoy the last of summer's warmth. Water splashing, falling, spraying and puddling up everywhere....

...good times. And even some yummy baby toes.

Asheville revisited

2009-09-05T21:54:00.020-04:00

We took a trip to Asheville with La's family last month...finally getting around to posting a few pics. Finding art in Asheville is easy. Laura and I stop by a mural to do our usual silly posing thingy....we didn't realize until later that we both stood near the colors in the mural that matched our clothing! We're just cool like that ya know.....

So very easy. Trevor and his fiance George pose by dude-looks-like-a-pipe art.

So sweet. Jalen to the left is being pulled by big brother as he'd injured his foot pretty bad and couldn't walk. Laura's kids loaned us their radio flyer wagon (via the Traaseth's) and we traipsed all over the place just fine. He had it made!

Alice taking in some bluegrass in front of Malaprops. That's the other thing easy to find in Asheville; street musicians.

While the music played, the kids found their own entertainment.

Back at Alices there was all sorts of entertainment...La demonstrates what happens to a Newman-O when you squish the cookies around real good. She's a woman of many talents.;)

Sierra, Sadie and George spent a good amount of time immersed in Serger technology. They made some really cool things out of scrap material and Sierra has been sewing every day since then! She's going to have an entire wardrobe of altered/homemade clothing before long.

Bananagrams (I tried to play, honest I did) and Twister were on the menu, along with the usual array of videogames.

All in all, it was a typical lovely visit to one of our favorite places with some of our favorite peeps! I can still taste the lovely melted goodness of mellow mushroom white pizza. I smile when I think of the toasty assortment of coffees and rows of books at Malaprops, the freaks and hippies in Pritchard park and the yummy, colorful art supplies at True Blue art.

The best thing though? Watching all of our children together, how they adore each other, work out challenges, make up games spontaneously and are such good friends. They warm my heart.

The following pictures are several I took just for fun. Alice lives past these greenhouses which have been abandoned. It looks like they will be dug under for new condos. Everytime I drive through there I get this sad feeling....for these rows upon rows of broken down, grown-over greenhouses which used to be so important to someone. I've thought a lot about the concept of usefulness and things that get abandoned, people who used to matter to someone but seem to have no one in this life. We see them on the streets of Asheville and that haunted look in their eyes makes me feel the same sadness the greenhouses do.

I've driven through them so many times thinking these thoughts and we finally stopped to shoot some pictures this time around. They are haunting and beautiful, abandoned and enchanting. The perfect setting for exploration and trying to archive a piece of something that exemplifies all those feelings.

This final picture was simply shot from a parking garage skyway....it's an area we'd never discovered from the street and it looked very enticing indeed. Next time Asheville, next time...

Jalenisms (or should I call them Scottisms?)

2009-08-28T00:24:00.002-04:00

The boy asked me to go find his pajamas that Austin bought him for Christmas...they were bit too large last year. I got them out of storage and after he puts them on realizes they're now a perfect fit. He's thrilled. Did I mention they're glow in the dark, footie pajamas with space ships on them?

"I'm going to go tan" he says.
"huh? What's he going to do?" I ask Sis.
"He calls it tanning when he charges up the glow-in-the-dark stuff" explains she.
Aaaah. Ok.

So he's out in the laundry room "tanning" and I hear him tell her "I need tanning goggles".
And now the washer and dryer are a tanning machine because he can lay on top in his jammies and charge up.

Earlier this week Bleu took him out to eat at Taco Bell while Sierra and I goofed off at Hobby Lobby with La and crew. When Jalen/Scott got his taco he apparently said "Oh yeah, it's a party in my tummy."

Funny, funny guy.

Law of Attraction

2009-08-26T13:56:00.003-04:00

I'm finally going to do it...go against the stream and write about how I feel on this topic. I know a lot of unschoolers believe in and practice Law of Attraction so I'll probably step on some toes. Not that I've ever worried about that sort of thing in the past, so why start now?;)

It sounds nice, this whole "think it and it will happen" doesn't it? But is it true? Does changing your thinking align the whole universe with YOU and your thoughts? What if someone else has an opposing thought? Who wins the Law of Attraction bid for stuff? I find it very entrenched in the old school notion that the person who does something better, wins. If you practice LOA correctly, if you believe enough, you'll get exactly what you want.

I don't believe that.
I don't believe that thinking about something equals a result.
I believe that trusting yourself and being OPEN to your own unfolding, your own needs and desires while moving forward with action creates amazing results. Always has. We didn't need a "law" to learn this truth. We don't need a movement to re-name "positive thinking" and it's sure as hell not a revolution.

Changing your thinking towards a more positive direction has always been helpful and good. It's not new. Helping myself and other people see opportunities, be more creative, find ways of doing what seems impossible is what I've been all about.

There is also that part which seems very materialistic about the whole thing. If I think about that camera long enough, someone will just GIVE me one right? Or that farm I want? Cool. You know what? When you talk about something, focus on something, work for something, connect with other people about that thing, you ARE going to find more opportunities. Duh.

It's pseudo-science folks. Pure and simple. I don't buy into New Age pseudo-science. I buy into my own thoughts and power to change my life. I'm really thankful my thoughts aren't powerful enough to make the universe/goddess/powers-that-be respond directly to my thoughts. That would be one helluva scary world.

From the Wikipedia entry:

"Since many of the claims of the law of attraction appear impossible without violating established scientific principles and our understanding of the universe, it has received criticism from the scientific community.^[8] Physicist Ali Alousi, for instance, criticized it as unmeasurable (and therefore unscientific) as well as questioning the likelihood that thoughts can affect anything outside the head ^[2]. The Associated Press is also quoted as saying that "some medical professionals suggest it could even lead to a blame-the-victim mentality and actually be dangerous to those suffering from serious illness or mental disorders"

That's my biggest problem with LOA....that if you aren't getting what you want you must not be doing the thinking thing right. That if you were more positive, more _________-fill-in-the-blank you'd be getting exactly what you want. Maybe what some people want is unhealthy. Maybe wanting less and really being absolutely content with the here and now is better. Maybe I can move towards my dreams while being right here in this moment without trying to conjure anything.

I resonate with Zen Buddhism more than anything. LOA is opposite of Zen.

More from Wiki:

"Writing in the New York Times, Virginia Heffernan said: "“The Secret” is not really a book but a series of misquotations from historical figures and fraudulent maxims from no-count hucksters. And yet something in that gooey red waxy seal on the front of “The Secret,” and the book’s believe-in-magic glitter, takes me to a happy place." The hitherto undiscovered "Secret", is actually a mix of misunderstood quantum physics and a re-telling of "New Thought" fallacies, which have been around since the late 18th century"

I don't care much for misquotes, misrepresentation and fraudulent maxims. How truthful is something that needs to twist information to make it fit an agenda? Sounds like the folks who twist information to fit the Bible. Same thing.

Here's the other thing, a lot of unschoolers seem to think that LOA links so well with unschooling. I couldn't disagree more. If it's helping you think and believe in yourself more, GREAT. If it's helping you see possibilities and be more creative and trust that there are wonderful things available to you, GREAT!

However, it is taking people away from their own inner-guidance in the fact that it is a philsophy or idea that encourages a certain way of thinking. Are you learning these "truths" from within yourself, from your own experiences? If so, why the need for all the writings and talk about LOA, why all the "rules" about it? No, I say Zen and Taoism are much more in line with the philosophy of unschooling:

"Zen asserts, as do other schools in Mahayana Buddhism, that all sentient beings have Buddha-nature, the universal nature of inherent wisdom (Sanskrit prajna) and virtue, and emphasizes that Buddha-nature is nothing other than the nature of the mind itself. The aim of Zen practice is to discover this Buddha-nature within each person, through meditation and mindfulness of daily experiences. Zen practitioners believe that this provides new perspectives and insights on existence, which ultimately lead to enlightenment.

In distinction to many other Buddhist sects, Zen de-emphasizes reliance on religious texts and verbal discourse on metaphysical questions. Zen holds that these things lead the practitioner to seek external answers, rather than searching within themselves for the direct intuitive apperception of Buddha-nature. This search within goes under various terms such as “introspection,” “a backward step,” “turning-about,” or “turning the eye inward.”

Not that we need any philosophy in line with unschooling or anything else. People practice what works for them. Unschooling is a lifestyle that works with whatever else you want/need to practice.

My disgust is in hearing about stuff being "manifested" as if it dropped out of the sky. I'm tired of hearing how the universe is gifting someone with everything they want, as if the people who are dying and starving in other countries aren't manifesting good enough or something. Surely if thoughts were enough, nobody would be hungry. Because I'm pretty sure they think about food all the time.

Rant over.....

The garden harvest

2009-08-15T22:18:00.004-04:00

I've been picking tomatoes like crazy the last few days. Tonight we had so many that it was salsa time. We're taking a big batch to Asheville when we head down tomorrow with Laura's crew to meet Trevor and George at Alices house for movies and games. Can't wait!!

Fresh salsa, friends, fashion (asheville style) and fun. How many "f" words can I enjoy? A lot apparently.:)

In other news, Jalen sprained his foot badly last week and is hopping around the house in a very capable manner. Not much slows him down, but this has been rough for an energetic guy. We're taking Laura's wagon to Asheville so he can cruise downtown with us...what fun!

Public education??

2009-08-04T22:25:00.001-04:00

WHY trust the public education system with your child's education? If anyone, EVER, ever, ever questions your choice to home educate your child you need to show them this video. I guarantee these are all high school graduates. I never want to hear how great public education is again. NEVER.

Hilarious Proof of How Bad U.S. Educational System Really Is

Shared via AddThis

Imagination Tribe, Clark's Creek, more Nolichucky

2009-08-01T09:45:00.015-04:00

A few more pics of vacation week/Trevor's visit:

Clark's Creek is a place far away from everything, tucked into the hills and as my friend Jess says "jump in the back of the truck for the full red-neck experience".

We paint rocks...

Hunt for crawdads....

And brave the cold water...

Another day at the Nolichucky river where we build an Obos village this time.

Jalen/Scott tries out some of his auntie Heidi's yoga moves...

Imagination Tribe was held at our house for July. We arted while a fire burned in the backyard and what seemed like hundreds of children ran back and forth playing games....

They actually stopped moving for a few seconds!

The adults mostly didn't move, except to pick up new colors or get a drink. ;)

Tired, tired peeps heading back to Asheville.

The passing of Ned Vare, unschooling advocate

2009-07-28T20:26:00.003-04:00

I am passing this information along, for those that haven't heard yet. I met Ned and Luz at the first Live and Learn conference many years ago. I enjoyed them thoroughly. They were tireless advocates for home education and unschooled their son Cassidy in a time when John Holt's writing was new.

Anyone claiming "leader" or "pioneer" today makes me chuckle. These folks are some of the true pioneers of the modern unschooling movement and both Ned and Luz have inspired many of us over the years. Thanks to both of you for all the energy and passion you've put into helping so many embrace the unschooling life.

Ren
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Memoriam

It is with great sadness that we inform our supporters that a great friend and homeschool freedom champion, Ned Vare, has died. Ned was a fearless fighter for educational freedom. I first met him in 1990 when he was in the forefront of the effort to defeat government regulation of homeschooling in Connecticut. He was wise to all the background, history, and rationale behind public schooling and homeschooling.

Over the years, he not only educated me on the ways of the educational world, but educated untold others. He and his soulmate, Luz Shosie, met in 1973 at Ned’s ranch in Silt, Colorado. Together they raised their son, Cassidy, without schooling, with what is now called UNschooling. In essence, they wisely guided Cassidy in educating himself, an experiment, they say, that surpassed all of their expectations.

Ned and Luz were inspired by the writings of John Holt, and together, they started a support group for unschoolers and operated the Unschoolers Unlimited Newsletter for many years. More recently Ned penned a blog entitled, “School Is Hell”. Ned could always be seen supporting the right to educate in freedom at every gathering across the state, from his hometown in Guilford to Hartford and beyond. Ned was never afraid to confront any government official whom he believed was acting in any way to deny parents their rights.

Ned was tireless in his ability to engage legislators in quiet, polite, but persistent conversation educating them as to the rights of parents and why they should support educational freedom. Ned was extremely successful at this endeavor and was instrumental in persuading many key legislators to support the rights of parents in Connecticut. We are also fortunate that Ned, with Luz, wrote his thoughts about educational freedom in a book that I proudly keep in a most prominent place in my home. It’s called “Smarting Us Up, the Un Dumbing of America”. Ned was a true inspiration, who had a keen wit, a most engaging personality, and always the nicest smile. I was proud to call Ned my friend, and he will be sorely missed. A memorial service is planned for him at a date to be announced in the fall.

- Deborah Stevenson – Exec. Dir., National Home Education Legal Defense

Vacation week: Bele Chere Festival in Asheville

2009-07-28T10:32:00.015-04:00

In random order, once again because otherwise I'll never get them posted. We spent the night with Alice in Asheville on Saturday night and hit all the Bele Chere craziness on Sunday. Alice had a terrific migraine unfortunately, and couldn't join us for the fun. Silas and Jake stayed at the house to video game while the rest of our motley crew headed into downtown to meet up with everyone.

Getting out of the heat for a rest at the Woolworth Walk.

Jana and her boys brought their sweet puppies with them...Jalen and Sierra fill up on puppy love.

This guy was shouting all sorts of lovely (NOT!) things at folks in Pritchard park. We couldn't resist becoming hecklers and sent George and Rachel in posing as a lesbian couple to debate with him. They were SO good at it too.;) It was highly entertaining because the guy was none too bright and George is well versed at debate. They even got other folks in on the action for a second. Yes, highly entertaining.

The local hookah shop. Btw, if you like flavored cigarettes of any kind (organic, natural, cloves etc...) they will be illegal shortly. Of course the big name cigarette manufacturers with all the nasty crap in their product can still sell menthols. Gross. Wonder who was behind that bit of unintelligent legislation? Grrrr......

Sierra's shoe-sharpie art.

Dancing in the streets....Trevor and George (aka; Moira) have set their wedding date for September 18th of 2010. Mark your calenders!!

Jana and her boys pose at the soda fountain in the Woolworths building. My camera wasn't cooperating and I caught them off-guard. Great place for a Cheerwine!

Empire tattoo rocks! Showing off some of their work I had done a couple years ago.

An impromptu pudding-eating contest. Mega-gross.

Jana posing with the controversial and well-known Mad Monk of Montford.

Free hugs campaign!! That's why you carry around that black shoe polish...right John? RIGHT??

Crazy, lovely, swirling day with lots of cool people. That's how Asheville days usually are.

Vacation week: Learn Nothing Day

2009-07-28T00:38:00.007-04:00

A few quick pics of Learn Nothing Day 2009! I was on vacation from work so we played a lot last week....and worked too. We spent LND up at Rock Creek in Erwin, eating, swimming, talking, playing games (some crazy people can concentrate on games at such times, not I), talking, laughing, sitting at campfires, splashing, talking and oh, did I mention talking???

As you can imagine, all that activity leads to LEARNING. Lawdy, lawdy. So we decided that we are made of fail again....because we seemed to learn an awful lot that day! Discussions were had on the topic of etymology and word usage and all sorts of interesting things. Yep, we failed in an epic way.

But we had lot of fun.

There are more pics on Sierra's camera which is in Georgia with the Traaseth's and Gavins and Patti. They just got back from the Jason Mraz concert and are probably not off the high just yet.

These are a few I took with my new-to-me-hand-me-down digital camera Kelli was kind enough to pass on. Thank you Kelli!! I may just get into the 21st century yet. Stranger things have happened.

Speaking of strange...Jana and her boys (I met at Life is Good in May out on the West Coast) showed up at Learn Nothing Day thinking they were a day early! They drove their unschooling bus up to Rock Creek to spend a week and would have missed us completely if we didn't run into them in the parking lot. Writing "Life is Good" and having unschooling bumper stickers on your car can get you mobbed by local unschoolers though. So it all worked out beautifully.

Happy Learn Nothing Day (and Happy Birthday Sandra). Here's hoping you all failed.:)

It's our "thing"

2009-07-20T10:31:00.002-04:00

Rivers and Obos that is. We build them wherever there are rocks and leave them for nature or other humans to find or destroy.

This is how we spend our days at the river. Building, scooping, swimming, fussing, collecting and laughing. I've spent too much of my life wishing and dreaming, I'm more into DOing now. Because you can use what you've got, rather than waiting for things to change. I don't have a house near the river. I don't have a kayak. I have a truck though, and I have kids that love the water. So we go and in that moment the river is ours as much as it is the earth's and it seems to love us too.

This one likes to try and catch fish. The fish aren't so cooperative...smart things.

Sand, water and rocks are a bit more malleable. Mini dams and rivers make for great fun.

Happy faces, nurtured by the water and trees.

Later, Sierra insists on trying Meringues again. This was her second attempt in her desire to perfect them. Yes, they're eggs from the farm down the road.

We've spent a lot of time trying to come up with a plan for buying property and building a house. We found the property, haven't found the money yet! But that isn't stopping Bleu and Sierra from spending HOURS designing and redesigning, looking at Deltecs, abandoning Deltecs, designing again...and so on. I came home from work two nights ago around 8:30 and they'd been at it since 6pm. I think they finally put it all away around 10:30 or so.

Sierra was delighted to learn about square feet vs. cubed feet and other such things that made me cringe in school. She's drawing designs to scale and loving every minute...I think even the frustration is joy at this point. :)

I laminated sheets of common household furniture and appliances drawn to scale (thanks to the Deltec rep we chatted with at the model home last week) and they had a ball placing them and replacing them on their home designs. Cool stuff! Such is the life of natural learning....things we believed difficult in school are actually fun when the learner chooses it, because of some internal force that guides their interest. Human beings are SO wired to learn. I wish people could see that and trust the process...whether their children are interested in home designs or pokemon. It's all learning. It's all worthy.

Her other current interest is memorizing Jason Mraz songs. Why? Because she's going to the concert and she wants to know the music better! Funny how that motivation stuff works when it's for our very own purposes. :) I do so love this life.

Jared is having his own water adventures, with family and other unschoolers up in the light of far North. Water and obos...it's what we do in the summer.

What unschooling mamas talk about....

2009-07-19T14:36:00.005-04:00

...or "The glowstick IM".

In preparation for a conference talk, I was chatting with Sandra Dodd about glowsticks and the idea of using them to illustrate some idea about unschooling. Can't remember what that part
was about but I saved the instant message conversation with her because there were lots of cool ideas about using glowsticks in fun ways and so I emailed it to a rarely used account and forgot about it until today.

It struck me as being longer than just four years ago. Hannah Jenner was alive, I hadn't done much public speaking yet, we still lived in Pensacola. So many things have changed in the last four years. Anyway, here is the instant message in all it's convoluted glory:

SandraDodd: We've had glowstick injuries.

starznmoongarden: Seriously!??

SandraDodd: My kids' favorite thing is to tie a string on it and spin it and fling it up into the air, in the woods, because they're easy to find.
SandraDodd: But...
SandraDodd: between them and the glow stick might not be cactus-free and rocks and trees, and hitting other people, and just tonight, it so happens,
SandraDodd: Keith and the kids went to the company picnic at the zoo. I'm sick and stayed home

starznmoongarden: I got the idea because when I was out of town for training..I left them a bag of fun stuff. They took the glowsticks one night, with Millie, and wrapped them through a whiffle ball and rolled it all around the house.
starznmoongarden: Wow. I LOVE the idea of throwing them up in trees.

SandraDodd: The kids got glow sticks, three apiece, part of what the company was providing for fun. NOt the sticks but the fasten-together bracelet/necklace things.

starznmoongarden: Our woods are fairly non-dangerous...at least in daylight when you can see snakes.

SandraDodd: Holly opened one and got it on her and it was hurting. I talked to her about chemical burns and that it wasn't soap and water that would help as much as more and more water.
SandraDodd: There are lots of fun things to do with them but not in a hotel. And not with the lights on.

starznmoongarden: Well...they still look cool with the lights on!

SandraDodd: And sometimes you need other stuff, like a whiffle ball
SandraDodd: or water
SandraDodd: or strng
SandraDodd: You can drop one in a wine bottle--that's fun.

starznmoongarden: My kids play with them all the time, but yeah, I might need to just use it as an example since I don't want to bring all the peripherals. Damnit.
starznmoongarden: I need to think of something.

SandraDodd: In cold water they go dim, but last longer. You can use them in a cooler for a refrigerator light, but they're not very bright in there.

starznmoongarden: Oh yes, my kids throw them in the freezer to have them last for the next night.

SandraDodd: and they're FANTASTIC bathtub toys, and glow even brighter in warm water, but the don't last as long when you warm them up.
SandraDodd: You can tape them into porta potties for lighting, and if you use box tape (my suggestion) instead of duct tape (DUH, PEOPLE) you get the full light.

starznmoongarden: One of the kids made a really cool bottle/sculpturish thing with one before...can't remember who it was. Oooh, a portapotty light. How funny.
starznmoongarden: I took a picture of Sierra in Black light the other night. It turned out really, really blue and cool. I used it for one of my Art Trading Cards.
starznmoongarden: I'll have to do a glowlight pic next!

SandraDodd: Years ago I figured out how to order them in bulk because the local SCA group needed them and couldn't figure it out. Pre-internet. I read the fine print on one and used a zipcode map and directory assistance to call the manufacturer and found a wholesaler in Oklahoma but they weren't available to just anyone, only to police and government.

starznmoongarden: That seems lame. I bet you can buy them in bulk easy now eh?

SandraDodd: I figured out how to get us a thousand, and Keith and I threw in our own money on top to get 100 for us. So when the kids were little and we went to events,

starznmoongarden: Cool.

SandraDodd: each night we gave each one a stick and they could sleep with it under the pillow or in their sleeping bag. VERY HELPFUL.

starznmoongarden: A little peace stick.
starznmoongarden: Peace of mind anyway!

SandraDodd: Probably you can get them way easier now, but they were newish in the 70's and very high tech.

starznmoongarden: I see them at Lowe's really cheap now.

SandraDodd: The lowest price we ever got was 79 cents each in 1985 or so, I think.
SandraDodd: But those were the best kind, the bright yellow that lasted 12 hours.

starznmoongarden: Yeah, the one's at Lowe's are really long lasting. They're thicker too....I need to buy one to see who makes those.

SandraDodd: I have some glowstick pics of Holly in the hot tub when Diana and Hannah and Hayden were here.

starznmoongarden: I bet those are GREAT.
starznmoongarden: I love how they look in a bottle of water, very bizarrish.
starznmoongarden: Like a bio-phosphorent drink.

The picture Sandra referred to can be found here, lower left corner.

Nesta Fest and other such fun...

2009-07-19T09:54:00.029-04:00

Have I mentioned we've been busy? Summer is full of activity and work, it seems everything is on steroids this time of year!

One day Sierra decided to haul out some of the contractor plastic I use to kill off weeds for new garden areas. We cleaned it and turned it back into the "slip and slide" we originally purchased it for. Lots of good water fun that day.

After you get wet and use up lots of energy playing, baking cookies is necessary. Didn't you know that? We used the handmade butter and buttermilk from the farm we visit occasionally. SO yummy.

In June we went camping for "Nesta Fest", a yearly birthday event for our friend Nesta, down in the Nolichucky River Gorge...one of the most amazing places on earth.

The noodle wars, which went badly a couple times. But overall were only a semi-painful battle.

Jalen with a friend and his new pet slug "Jeffrey" in the tipi.

We take up a section at the campground, filled with tents and friends and fires and lots and lots of laughter and talk.

Rob has got this whole river relaxin' thing figured out!

Building castles and dreams....

Just chillaxin! It's so beautiful and serene, time seems to stand still for us.

Birthday cake!

A man and his rock; I think he's fishing for something other than fish.

This one was definitely fishing for fish, but he let's them all go after observation.

Me and my buddy La taking in the sun....I'm nearly blind here as the river ate my sunglasses!

Barb even stopped by for a little bit, in between running kids to places and packing for a trip (did I mention she's crazy??) :)

Jalen hanging out by our little campsite. No, we didn't sleep in the tipi, that's our tent to the left. We really need more than a two-person mountain tent though. Soon, soon.

In the morning, before our friends are awake and other friends arrive for the birthday, the kids and I snuck down to the misty river. I feel more whole, more awake, more content there and I realized I need to visit the river often. So we do now. Every Monday at the least....working on getting a kayak next.

Then there was the visit from the Lovejoys and an afternoon spent at Boone Dam Lake. We stole Sadie away and took her home with us. They spent lots of time jumping off the concrete wall with the sign that says "keep off wall".

They jumped off the divider too....

...and made lots of cool designs with string, fingers and even faces.

Back at home...

...where the garden grows,

and grows,

the bees stay very busy, and butterflies stop in for brief visits.

There are hidden places in the brambles now, because it's summertime! How we love it.

Sadie and Sierra cartoon

2009-07-12T19:48:00.003-04:00

Things keep on growing...

2009-07-09T23:56:00.018-04:00

Jared went to Girdwood Fair

2009-07-06T13:48:00.001-04:00

So Jared and Kevin traipsed off to Girdwood Fair in the middle of the woods with a bunch of hippies and other friends for the weekend. When Heidi dropped them off they had no reservation for a campsite, but they had food and a tent and decided to wing it. As it turns out, having no plan and a spirit of adventure pays off lots of times.

They found a friend, whose Mum had a friend, who had a house adjacent to the festival grounds. They pitched their tent on his rooftop (how cool is that?) and had a real bathroom to use all weekend. Being willing to head into the unknown isn't something Jared would have embraced until recently. His cousins are cool guys though and it doesn't hurt to have weather you love.:)

Check out that view! I do miss Alaska this time of year...

Pitching their roof-top tents.

It looks like a very Alaskan style house. He was exhausted when I talked to him on the phone last night so it must have been a lot of fun.

Addendum: Heidi posted some cool pics of their weekend at her blog.

Jalen convo

2009-07-06T10:59:00.003-04:00

The boy wakes up behind me as I type on the computer. He's snapping his fingers (new skill) and when I notice and come to snuggle with him he keeps giggling.

Me: You're sure full of giggles this morning. Did your dreams fill you up with giggles?
Jalen: Nope, I had a zombie dream.

Nevermind.

Trip to the NW: The conference

2009-07-05T20:55:00.000-04:00

I'm way too behind for anything remotely organized at this point. So here are some random highlights of the conference weekend, which was full of many grand and somewhat stressful moments for me. Such is the way of unschooling conferences....

Lunch with Amy Steinberg, Donna, Heidi, Robin and Mary. Glorious weather, yummy food, lots of laughs, the massive Columbia river flowing past as smoothly as the margaritas we drank.

They had the mariachi band sing Happy Birthday to me....all while wearing a very large hat I'm not going to show you.

There was a very cool "river" in Esther Short park, a quick walk up the street from the conference site. We went there every day. Didn't hurt to have a very good coffee shop/cafe right on that particular square.;)

The post-conference picnic...

My friend Lindsey even showed off some of her amazing acrobatics for us! Lindsey and I worked together out here in Johnson City and she had moved out to the NW to join a dance troupe. It was great to re-connect.

Searching for a four-leaf clover.It's one of his "things".

Saying goobye...

The late-night parties in my room...

The late-night ATC making in my room....

The deck overlooking the Columbia, where we could sit and chat or drink or hug. My room looked over this deck and the river, it was awesome!

The talent show. We were helping Calista fulfill her dream of being in the show for the very first time ever. She wanted to sing "Five green and speckled frogs", which she did. We were her "frogs".

The Amy Steinberg concert, always a hit, always a blast! We love you Amy!!:)

Visiting the In-laws....it had been too long and it was great to see them and give the kids a chance to share some hugs.

It was a great trip and a great conference!! I'm still exhausted.;) Thank you Mary and Jon for hosting this incredible weekend. You rock!

Jalen convo

2009-07-04T23:45:00.001-04:00

Sierra: Mom, can you read my lips?

Me: Hold on a sec.
Probably not, I'm not that good at it.

Jalen: How can you read someone's lips when there's no letters?

Learnin' Nothin....again!

2009-07-04T23:26:00.004-04:00

It's almost time for the 2nd annual Learn Nothing Day and the Johnson City unschoolers invite you to join us for a celebration. We'll meet at Rock Creek just like last year for a picnic, swimming and general fun on July 24th at noon.

Overnight guests should check out the Comfort Inn as it's conveniently located and inexpensive. Earthfare is just down the road too!

Plan on bringing food, drinks, swimming gear etc... There is hiking available, bbq pits and bathrooms/changing areas. There is a $2 day fee when you get to the park (self service payment as you drive in) so bring a bit of cash. See you there!!

Any questions, write me at starsuncloud@comcast.net.

My travelin' kid

2009-06-23T22:29:00.005-04:00

While we've been gardening and playing with friends and working and such, Jared has been doing things like climbing "The Butte" in Palmer Alaska:

He ran in his first race this week, a 10k at 10pm called the Midnight Sun Run in Fairbanks. I ran it a few times in High school, once with my Dad and sister Heidi (the same sister with whom Jared is living right now and ran the race again this year, along with my nephews Tristan and Kevin).

He's already changed and I'm not even there to watch it happen. It's cool and a bit strange but I'm really excited about all the amazing things he's doing. Life changing things...though he may not realize it now.

He'll come home full of new experiences and tales to tell. We'll have a few of our own to share. I miss him like crazy but mostly I'm just happy my kids feel free to explore this big, amazing world and take what they need from those experiences. Happy trails.....

Being your child's friend

2009-06-21T11:10:00.005-04:00

I remember a moment very clearly from my teen years. My Mum and I had another of our screaming matches and I had stormed off to my room, slamming the door while crying those big, heavy, uncomfortable sobs. I was still sitting on my bed a while later, trying to find some comfort in my space when she knocked and asked to come in. She had cooled off a bit and was trying to reach out. I remember telling her, through all the snot and tears, "I just need you to be my friend". Her response? "I can't be your friend, I'm your parent".

She wasn't trying to be mean, she was buying into the conventional "wisdom" of that time. I remember so well the feeling that solidified for me in that moment. I knew I couldn't trust her. I knew I wouldn't tell her certain things or reach out to her in the same way again. Those words rang in my ears..."I can't be your friend". It stuck. We weren't friends again for a very long time. I loved her and she loved me, always. But the friendship didn't come until I had lived away from home for many years.

This topic came up at the Always Learning list today and I want to share what Pam Sorooshian wrote on this matter. As usual, she put it in such a clear and poetic manner. I will always be my children's parent AND friend. One can be both.

(note: The picture and quote are swiped from Sandra's website.)

"As we get older and our kids grow up, we eventually come to realize that all the big things in our lives are really the direct result of how we've handled all the little things." —Pam Sorooshian, June 4, 2007

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Something that has rattled around in my head for
years is the line, "You're the parent, not their friend."

I was just reading a news article and someone was
quoted as saying:"Your kids don’t need a 40-year-old friend.
They need a parent,"

What a tragic dichotomy that one little line sets up!
Every single time that line has ever entered my head,
it was leading me in the wrong direction. Every time.

What is a friend? I'm not talking about the schoolmates
teenagers go out partying and drinking with. Not talking
about the 5 year old kid your child happens to play with
at the park that day. I'm talking about real friendship.

1 a*:* one attached to another by affection or esteem

Knowing what I know now, with my kids grown, I strongly
feel that one line, which permeates parental consciousnesses,
should be quickly and actively contradicted and rooted out
like a pernicious weed every single time it sprouts up.

Instead of "You're the parent, not their friend," substitute,
"Be the very very best friend to them you can possibly be."

Do your kids need you to be their "40 year old friend?" YES!
Children do need to feel attached to their parents "by affection
or esteem." What better connection is there than by affection
and esteem?

AND, what's more, parents need their children's friendship too.
Some people seem to think there is something wrong with
parents "needing" their children. They act like being mutually
attached to each other means children have not become
independent enough and parents are being a "burden
to their children."

A 40 year old friend isn't going to have the same
relationship with a 5 year old as his/her 5 year
old friends or 10 year old friends. And parent-child
friendships evolve over the years until they are,
eventually, adult-with-adult friendships.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be your child's
friend. Do what it takes to earn their friendship - be supportive
and kind and honest and trustworthy and caring and generous
and loyal and fun and interesting and interested in them and all
the other things that good friends are to each other. Be the best
40 year old friend you can be (or whatever age you are).

People use "I'm the parent, not a friend," as an excuse
to be mean, selfish, and lazy. Instead, be the adult in the
friendship. Be mature. You've BEEN a five-year-old and
your child has not been a forty-year-old, so you have an
advantage in terms of long-term and wider perspective.
Use that advantage to be an even better friend. You know
how to be kinder and less self-centered and you know how
beneficial it is to put forth the effort.

I can honestly say that my children and I are friends. I know
they'd say the same. I'm not trying to act like I'm 18 or 21 or 24
-- I am 57 years old. They're having a "Halo" party at someone
else's house tonight and will stay up all night playing video games
and I'm not going to go and hang out with them all night and play
Halo. I'm going to make a huge platter of deviled eggs for them
to take over there, but I'm going to stay home and watch a movie
with my husband and go to bed early enough that I'll feel good
tomorrow. I'm not 18 and I don't recover as quickly as they do
from a night with no sleep. I didn't go to the midnight showing
of the Terminator movie the other night, for the same reason.
But I was certainly invited and welcome.

My kids are not spoiled brats because I've tried to be their friend.
They hold jobs, they manage money, they make good and responsible
decisions. We are very strongly "attached by affection and esteem."
I wish I could wipe that expression out of everybody's minds and replace
it with "Be the best friend to your children that you can be."

Pam Sorooshian

Lovely synchronicity

2009-06-18T15:29:00.003-04:00

Today, Sierra and I were uploading and editing pictures from the last week, photos of Music on the Square with the Gavins, Bowmans, Chittums and Traaseths, photos of the storms moving through the last couple of days etc...

As I sat out in my art room organizing just now, a song came on from a CD that Zenmomma mixed. It was a James song titled "Waltzing Along". I had that weird feeling of "knowing" but I couldn't figure out why...there were words in the song that were familiar not by having heard them before but something else.

Then it hit me!! The words were on Laura's shirt she wore to Music on the Square last week...Kelli had given it to her when it didn't fit properly, a gift from the Mayer's in Canada (the same Mayers we got to hang out with at Life is Good last month) in sympathy for the Traaseth's not making it to the gathering which the shirts were created for.

Still following? It's ok, I'm confused too....but anyway, it was so cool to sit in my art room thinking about getting back to my art just about the time La is getting back to hers also. So cool to sit in my art room and think about collaborative energy and co-creation and simplifying and such things and then hear the words I was reading on my good friend just days ago.:) So cool. Especially when one doesn't expect it or plan for it or even realize that the words on the shirt were inspired by a James song (though one should have expected it).

Then I ran in from the art room to blog about it before I forgot. And here we are.....

Waltzing Along

Help comes when you need it most
I'm cured by laughter
Mood swings not sure I can cope
My life's in plaster (in plaster)

May your mind set you free
(chorus: opened by the wonderful)
May your heart lead you on
May your mind let you breathe all of disaster
(chorus: opened by the wonderful)
May your heart lead you on

These wounds are all self-imposed
Life's no disaster, disaster
All roads lead unto death-row
Who knows what's after

May your mind be wide open
May your heart beat strong
May your mind's will be broken
By this heart-felt song

May your mind set you free (Chorus: Be opened by the wonderful)
May your heart lead you on
May your mind let you breathe all of disaster (Chorus: Be opened by the
wonderful)
May your heart lead you on, may your heart lead you on
May your eyes let you see all of disaster
May your heart lead you on, lead you on
(Chorus: May your eyes be opened by the wonderful)
Set you free (Chorus: May your heart lead you on)
Lead you on

Trip to the NW: The Beach

2009-06-17T21:26:00.013-04:00

We spent the 18th driving to Tillamook to visit the cheese factory, Cannon Beach where we explored Haystack Rock and then on to Seaside for some shop browsing and arcade fun.

The cheese factory is much more sterile and touristy than it was when I visited as a kid. But the ice cream and cheese are still amazing.

I love Haystack rock where you can get up close and personal to sea creatures, the smaller variety anyway.

The kids seem to spend most of their time in the very cold water and digging in the wet sand until their lips are blue.

Hot coffee and no water play were in order for me....thank you very much.

Hanging out with my sisters and their families/children was truly awesome. I'm so lucky to have two of the best sisters ever. I mean EVER. They rock! I love you both.....

David Carradine

2009-06-17T16:06:00.002-04:00

I just wanted to post this video of David Carradine on the night that I briefly met him! He was at the party I attended in Beverly Hills. I adored Kung Fu returns and the Kill Bill series...sure wish I'd gotten a pic with him. Anyway, here is the video interview of him that night. Rest in Peace Mr. Carradine.

Trip to the NW: The Farm

2009-06-15T15:04:00.022-04:00

I have many things I'd like to write about our trip out West and all the things we did in those 10 days, but I'm not going to do it in order. Not chronological order anyway, perhaps order of importance to me personally.

There are very few places that remain from my childhood. Places I can plant my feet today at any rate. We moved. I left the church. Things change. But one such place remains where I feel that grounding, that connection to my childhood, my family, my ancestral history. It's my paternal Grandparents farm.

They bought some land in the 40's, with two young children in tow. The first summer on their land they lived out of a tent. Once the garage was built, they lived in it until the house was finished a couple years later. They farmed that land for over 40 years and continued logging and gardening until recently.

Inside, the cupboards are filled with home canned goods, just as I always remember. The woodstove burns warmly and Grandma sits working on her crossword puzzles, just as I always remember. As much as things have changed, many are the same.

The house smells like good food, at all times. I think the scent of all the jams Grandma made over the years, are permanently embedded in the very walls of the kitchen.

Outside there are poignant reminders of decay, of once-loved things being forgotten or neglected, of times past that linger with us now.

My Grandfather died early this year. His beloved Model "T" still sits in his workshop. I could almost hear our child voices laughing with joy as we climbed inside for a ride up the dirt hill. I could see my sister and I dressed up to ride in the Vernonia parade and lovingly recall Grandpa winding the old car up, regaling us with stories when things were "old fashioned".

"Tell us about old fashion times!" we would beg. He'd chuckle with amusement at our labeling of his younger days as "old fashion". His workshop is attached to the barn and still smells of oil and wood shavings. I can almost see him bent over a chunk of wood, turning it into a clock or some other useful item.

Wood was a part of his life from his earliest days. His father George Bidwell was a logger and Grandpa grew up learning how to log. Trees and wood, then later farming. That's what he knew. My Grandparents always worked with their hands, worked with the soil, with the resources they had.

I stood in this grove of trees planted by them about 20 years ago and remembered chasing cows in the pasture that used to roll beneath my feet, before these trees were here.

Grandma recalls the damage to this tree being done during the Tillamook burn, a series of forest fires my Grandfather helped fight. His name is mentioned at the Tillamook Forest Center where one can watch a movie about this important event in Oregon's forest history.

This land is sacred, and one feels it with every step. The trees seem to hold secrets we can only guess.

I remember exploring these woods as a very young child. Often with my aunt Carol Anne and her horse Sonny. She would take me down to the creek where the beaver dam was and we could see them at work. It was magic then. It is still.

Hiking these woods with my children was a joy, as we recounted childhood stories and memories. The circle continues.

I love the look on Jared's face when he doesn't know a camera is aimed at him. He is a deep well and I love that this picture captures it.

I loved this picture so much that I am posting two.:) My sister Heidi shot it and I can't decide if I love the black and white or color version better.

As we ambled along, Jalen started annoying some of the other kids. We were walking past a patch of clover and one of the adults tried to use a distraction; "hey Jalen, can you find a four-leaf clover?"

"ok", says my boy and starts scanning for one.

"I found one" he adds, about two seconds later, much to our amazement.

Sure enough, a lucky four-leaf clover had been found. The rest of us tried to find one to no avail.

Later in the afternoon, my niece Rylee and I have some adventures of our own. We went on a walk about, taking pictures and chatting about many things. I found a dead blue jay that I chose not to point out, knowing her love for all things living. Managed to capture a few photos before she caught up though.

We both scooped a bag full of soil from the garden to take home to our own gardens. I took her down to the beaver dam, so rich with my earliest memories of the farm. The entire hill behind that location had recently been logged and looked so raped and ravaged, yet the dam continues and the beavers seem oblivious to the plight of that land. My Grandparents used to own that 80 acre area but sold it to a logging company many years ago. They never ceased regretting that choice even to this day.

The grapevines will be lush and full later this season. Rylee and I pause there for some photos.

If I lay on this land long enough, I think I shall grow roots right into the ground that holds so many stories. To my left is the barn we filled with hay and chased farm cats, to my right is the location where the horse stall used to stand. I adore the smell of hay and horse manure which all stems from good memories at the farm.

My head points towards the garden where they grew so much food and beyond that stand of trees, the former strawberry fields. They are being used for hay now but even when I first moved away from Alaska as a newly graduated teen I picked berries there. It was an indian summer that year. I took one of my roommates to the farm and she and I gleaned what was left of the berries in October. I'm fairly certain I decided that day to never move back to Alaska.

There are some things you just can't do in the cold North, picking berries in October is one of them. I learned later that it's not a common thing for Oregon either.....which may explain my love affair with Tennessee today.

I lay there in the sun, recalling the night of trying to sleep in itchy hay while the cows made funny night time sounds. I felt the pulse of sun and earth, cradling me with my memories, connecting past and present. I never wanted to rise. But I did. And I trust that my own farm will be part of my story, of my future and my childrens memories too.

We reluctantly say goodbye and move on down the road for more adventures. Adventures that won't leave me clinging to the past quite so tightly, nor causing a lump in my throat at the recollection of it all. Adventures that hopefully don't include quite so many goodbyes. But then, that seems to be the only sure thing about this life experience...change.

So thank you Grandma and Grandpa, for your love of the land and hard work, for the strawberries and cherries and plums we ate until sick, for the crackling wood in the stove and the smell of berries cooking. Thank you for the nights filled with games, popcorn and stars brighter than I ever saw. The days filled with hoeing, hikes and swimming holes. For an old attic and cellar filled with curiosities, for a workshop filled with usefulness and a forest filled with sacred trails. For all of it and more I thank you.

To my sweet Grandfather; your accordian playing, wood working, farming, logging, strong, weathered hands will be missed. Memories and the spirit of your choices will last....long beyond you or I or any of my children. You remind me to choose well. I will feel your presence in the trees as I try to find my way back to the farm.....rest well old man.

*the above picture includes myself, Jared and Sierra (Jalen refused to be involved) along with my sister Heidi, her husband Martin and their children Kevin, Tristan and Calista and their friend Sarah, my sister Robin and her daughter Rylee and my aunt Carol Anne (my dad's sister and my grandparents late addition to their family) and my uncle Ed who got married in the house and for whom I was the flower girl at 6 years of age.:)

A new, shortish interview

2009-06-04T12:31:00.004-04:00

There is a new, shortish and fun interview with me that was published at a very cool blog "Homeschooling; freedom and fun for your family" which is run by Debbie H.

My interview is part of a series she's doing with various unschooling families. There are familiar names/faces like Sandra Dodd, Pam Sorooshian, Helen Hegener, Deb Rossing, Laura Endres and many, many more! Go check it out and be sure to browse through all of the very fun and interesting interviews. I'm glad I participated....though it was only because of Debbie's patience as I'm a great procrastinator. :)

(above artwork by Jalen/Scott Allen; 5/09)

Sierras 12th birthday

2009-06-04T12:05:00.009-04:00

Sierra Star's 12th birthday was April 29th and we celebrated it on that very day....with lots of cotton candy and snowcones and friends. See how far behind on blogging I am? Such is life...for now.

The dogwood tree looked like this on that day....

Laura rocked out like this....

We ate cotton candy like this....

...and hung out like this

...all for my girl who makes art like this

...because she is a beautiful, zany, funny, smart, talented, artsy, kind, fun-loving, gentle and loving spirit!! Happy birthday my sweet Sierra/sis/Sisi/starlygirl/starchild. The day you were born a true star came into my life and I am forever grateful. Thank you for falling to my part of the earth.:)

The trip out West

2009-05-30T23:32:00.002-04:00

I've been on the go since 6am today and there are few words to describe how exhausted I am right now. BUT, my sis Heidi got a loverly blog post up that has some pics and activities from the trip, including some information about my sweet Jared that might interest a few folks. I have only two children in my house for the next few months. It's a strange experience. :) Nite, nite.....

Toothpaste babies

2009-05-20T01:42:00.001-04:00

Jalen is sitting here in our hotel room talking a lot about poop and anything else that the eight year old mind finds amusing. He was sharing how great his breath smells and said something about pooping...

"so now we have pooping toothbrushes?" I ask.

"No, my toothpaste poops. It poops out toothpaste babies which I use on my teeth to make my breath smell good."

Toothpaste babies. Wish I'd thought of THAT one.

Heading West....

2009-05-16T16:06:00.004-04:00

Insert deep sigh here. I miss the NorthWest. I do, I do. My sis Heidi just called me from Portland's Saturday Market, one of my fave places in the world. It's an eclectic mish-mash of handmade goods, greasy food, colorful people and amazing talents. You can get lost in the noise and hub-bub. There's always some street musicians and street entertainers if you need to pause. The choices of handmade items is endless.

I think she just called to gloat a bit...we're already SO excited about leaving tomorrow. I think of all the places I've been in my life and how each place has enriched me and deepened my understanding of the world and it's people. Travel is an amazing way to connect, to learn and mainly, to have FUN. I value our travels so much and hope my children get to continue visiting amazing people and places on this earth. It's hard to be close minded when you see many places and learn what people are like in those many places.

We're looking forward to visiting the Tillamook cheese factory and the Oregon Coast, OMSI, the Vancouver Farmer's Market and my Grandparents farm. I've climbed several of the cascade mountains and lived/worked in the NW for over a decade of my life....it's good to be going back for a bit.

The massive Columbia river will be our view from Life is Good, you can't get much better than that!! Happy trails everyone...wherever your travels--both near and far--take you.

Tidbit from a list

2009-05-14T01:29:00.006-04:00

Sandra Dodd wrote the following in a post at Always Learning and it really resonated with me. So many people ask things like "Is it ok for unschoolers to _________?" which worries me. It worries me because it seems that unschooling has become some sort of club to join, rather than a philosophy/lifestyle to discuss. It worries me because if someone is more concerned about doing what an unschooler would do, they aren't really examining the issue critically. It's not a great way to wrap your mind around a new idea, it's just a way to "join". Rather than be concerned about whether something is "unschooling" or not, maybe people could question whether it's respectful, whether they are focused on what their child needs and whether it brings peace and joy to their family.

Here's what Sandra wrote:

~~NVC is all about rules, though, and labeling
people with new labels and using jargon (redefining
words for the purpose, such as "violent,"
just as NCP redefined "coerce."

For those unfamiliar with these initials, NVC is
for "non-violent communication" which says
"Do things our way or you are a violent
jackal." NCP is "Non-coercive parenting"
which says "Do things our
way or you are coercive."

I have tried for a long time NOT to say "do things
the unschooling way," but do things that make sense,
that aren't arbitrary, that make you a more peaceful
and generous person. Still it's pretty common
and perhaps human nature for some people to come,
take a glance, get excited about something (like
"No BEDTIMES!" and tell their kids "You
never have to go to bed again! NOW we are
UNschoolers!")

People like rules and touchstones and proofs
and flags to wave.

I think "the rule" should be "think," and the
touchstone should be a child's head, touched
gently.~~

Life is a Verb

2009-05-13T21:47:00.003-04:00

I've blogged about Patti Digh more than once over at Tea with Ren, but I thought I'd share this video here. She's a great inspiration to me and her discussion at ARGH was really awesome. Get the book, I love it!! After you click the "play" button you can click on the video to enlarge it. Enjoy!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Pushing vs. supporting

2009-05-10T13:06:00.007-04:00

I had a discussion at ARGH in March about the idea of forcing your child to attend a class they were reluctant to attend, after showing interest. My bottom line is that even if my children gain something valuable from being forced/coerced, what they lose is MUCH more influential...trust in themselves.

The topic came up again at Unschooling Basics this week and Joyce Fetteroll answered it so well I thought I'd just share the post in it's entirety. The ~~ parts are quoting the original poster and the rest of this is all Joyce. She was one of the voices I found SO incredibly helpful about a decade ago, when I first discovered how unschooling could impact our entire parenting journey, not just the educational aspects.

The above picture is of Jalen, helping me get our seeds started early this spring, not because anyone made him but because he likes to grow things. He scrubbed some doors and moulding for me today too, because he saw me doing it. Funny how that self-motivation thing works eh? :)

Oh, and I've climbed mountains and gardened and all sorts of things that are very challenging just because I wanted it enough. There's a saying amongst climbers about why they climb a mountain; "because it's there".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On May 9, 2009, at 1:26 PM, DJ250 wrote:
~~ I have a friend who's interested in unschooling
but feels that her rather shy daughter would not have
varied interests if she hadn't pushed her at certain times.~~

Quite possibly.

There are adults who were pushed through music by
well meaning parents who are grateful for the pushing.

There are adults who were pushed through music by
well meaning parents who have so wrapped the
memories of coercion and tears and powerlessness
around music that they want nothing to do with music.

(Music can be filled in with anything: basketball, cleaning
up, writing, math, horses ...)

Both shed tears and complained, so how does a parent
know what the outcome will be? Unfortunately we so
want to give kids all the advantages that the stories
of people who are grateful they were pushed, the times
when our kids find happiness in something we pushed
them into, loom larger than the far more common stories
of people who avoid what they were pushed through.

How many people were forced through 12 years of
math and hate it? How many love it?

So, are the only two options pushing while praying
or not pushing?

No. But this is a slippery slope because helping kids
past the humps can end up being pushing. So, the
first idea to examine is that each time we push,
we run the risk of the child deciding they need
someone else to push them, that they can't move
past the difficulties on their own.

It will be also helpful to keep in mind that you
could be wrong. It might be the worst thing for
that child. And you'll be helping your child with
another life skill by letting them assess and decide if
it's right. Each time they decide, they learn a bit
more about themselves.

So, with that in mind, I'd talk it over with the child.
*Don't* begin with the idea of convincing them they
should let you push them since you feel it's a good idea
for them. Listen to them.

~~Mom pushed her to try a 4-H horse competition which
the kid found she rather liked after doing it.~~

And while she pursued that she was not pursuing
something else. Maybe the other things would have
been something she liked even better. Or
not.

The point is that there are a million choices we can make,
a million things we could get interested in. Everytime we
focus on one, there's nearly a million others we're not choosing.
We can't ever know we've found the ultimate, best thing.
But having the freedom to choose and explore is even better
than certainty.

~~Mom says she wouldn't have so much knowledge about
horses now and wouldn't have found out she enjoyed such
a class if she hadn't been pushed a bit to do it.~~

The daughter might even agree. But the most important thing
is the mother is deciding on the value and that the pushing
yielded something the mom values.

The focus should be on the child. What does the child want?
We know less what the child wants, less about who the child is
-- the child knows less! -- the less we listen and the more
we push.

My daughter Kat's a very good distance runner and loves
running. She joined the school cross country team.
My husband loves running too and was on the same team
when he was in high school. He loves competition. Not one
of those rabid beat 'em types, but he gets jazzed setting
up goals for himself. He tried to help her train to beat the
cream of the crop. (Not a huge stretch since she's a natural
at it.) At first she enjoyed it. But as she continued, she
started to realize the goal of beating someone (and the
possibility of failure) didn't float her boat. She just loved
to run. It was hard for Carl to even grasp the idea of not
caring about competing and there was a lot of strain until
he finally accepted that someone could have great talen
but want to do something other than what he'd do with it.

~~She feels it's human nature to go the easy route instead
of trying things that are tough.~~

It's human nature to avoid what we feel is a waste of time,
energy and resources.

It's also human nature to pour energy into what we
find fascinating.

If someone is made to climb a mountain, they'll find
the easiest path, and perhaps even cheat.

If someone desires to climb a mountain, they may
even make it more difficult -- challenging -- for
themselves if the route doesn't light their fire.

If it were human nature to go the easy route, I
wouldn't be sitting here writing out a response!
No one would write a novel. No one would
climb Mt. Everest. No one would bake a cherry
pie from scratch. No one would have kids ;-)

~~She said when she was growing up maybe if someone
had pushed her more to take tougher science classes,
she would have become a vet.~~

It's much easier to blame others for our failures than
to accept responsibility.

That sounds harsh and judgmental. It's meant as a
universal truth. When we decide we aren't capable
of something and feel that we can't accomplish
something unless someone else uses their power
over us to make us, we can absolve ourselves of failure.
It's not our fault we aren't doing x. It's other people's
fault for not pushing us, or not clearing the way for us.

A far more useful life skill for kids is knowing they can
do whatever they set their minds to. That trumps
a knowledge of horses or guitar skills or ability to
spell or whatever someone's personal need is.

While it would be *easier* if her parents had
pressured science on her. (*And* she had liked it.)
Now, not being a vet isn't their responsibility. It's hers.
She'd be living the idea that you can do anything you
put your mind to if she decided to become a vet right
now rather than modeling that you can blame your
failures on others.

For a shy child, it would be far more valuable for mom
to help her find ways the daughter can use to get past
the humps to do the things the daughter wants to do.
If the daughter gets the idea she needs the mom to push
her, she could end up at 20+ wishing her mom had pushed
her in science so she could be a vet.

~~She knows of people who perused the college
catalogues, saying "Hmm, what are the easiest classes
to take."~~

When college is seen as another hoop they're
pressured to jump through, why wouldn't they
choose the easiest route? It isn't until school
change to be relevant to people's lives, it isn't
until a college degree isn't seen as the key to
success, that kids won't be choosing for expediency's
sake.

When college is seen as one option to explore what
fascinates you, then interest will be the determining
factor in choosing courses. That's what will carry over
from living a life exploring what fascinates you.

Joyce

Fabulous article...

2009-05-09T10:54:00.002-04:00

...by unschooling Dad Jeff Sabo. His blog is really great all around but I especially love this essay about Dads and control titled "Great Expectations".

I can totally relate to the way expectations mess with our heads and get in the way of joyful relationships. Still learning about that "letting go" process every day.

Jeff, his wife Ginger, and their boys will be at Life is Good next week. Don't miss it!

Paper or plastic?

2009-05-08T21:19:00.002-04:00

Neither I say!
But that isn't the important choice anyway. What's IN the bag is more important. A compelling argument for a vegetarian diet in this article by Emily Gertz.

My friend Cid makes some awesome bags from T-shirts...talk about altered! They're soft and hold a ton of groceries. We love our Ecotees!
Now go fill 'em with some local produce, preferably organic. We picked up some amazingly delicious strawberries today and there's a pound cake in the oven just waiting to be smothered with them.:)

My latest interview

2009-05-03T08:57:00.002-04:00

If you're interested....
It's an online article about homeschooling and unschooling options, you can read here, at babygooroo. It's by Mum and writer Mary Jessica Hammes who was very professional and easy to work with. Enjoy!

Another Jalen convo

2009-05-02T10:30:00.002-04:00

Jalen was just asking me about why we moved from Florida and how much we made on our house and so on....we chatted about hurricanes and mountains and the reasons we wanted to live here instead of at the beach.
"Why do they call it TennesSEE though? There's no seas around here." says the boy.

My birthday is coming....

2009-05-02T00:29:00.003-04:00

...and you're invited!! I'll just paste what Laura is posting:

WHAT: Ren's 40th birthday bash
WHEN: May 10th, 6pm til they kick us out!
WHERE: Acoustic Coffee House, Johnson City, TN
BRING: potluck style food and drinks

That's right...Ren is turning 40 and you'll wanna be there to help us celebrate!!

We know it's a little late notice, but come if you can!!

if you've got questions just email Laura (ladymomma@gmail.com)

Turn off tv week...

2009-04-27T09:48:00.005-04:00

...again.
A couple of years ago I wrote about "turn off school week" as my rant about the whole idea of "turn off tv week". This time? I'll share a post from one of my local lists, where there has been a discussion about this topic for a few days. The parts I quote are from other participants in the discussion so I'll leave them anonymous as they may not wish to be a part of this blog post.:)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~ Reading engages your brain, television does not.~~

REALLY? Your brain is engaged if your alive, even when
you're asleep. Tell my kids their brains aren't "engaged"
while they're fascinated with some new bit of
information they just picked up from something
we watched and discuss it ad nauseam. Or decide to
research if further. Or laugh hysterically because it was
entertaining. Laughing engages the brain in terrific ways.
Very healing too.

If you watch a play, or a dance, is it really engaging the
brain in a completely different way than watching those
same activities on tv? Many activities engage alpha-waves
but are not seen as inherently harmful. Heck, what does
meditation do? Takes the brain BELOW alpha states
into theta a lot of the time. Is that harmful? Of course not.

~~Knitting uses fine motor skills as well as engaging your brain.~~

Knitting on anything other than a small loom frustrates
me and is NOT fun for me. Am I going to receive some
benefit from doing an activity I don't enjoy over
watching what I love and DO enjoy? Am I missing out
on something if I'm bonding with my dh and family...laughing,
taking and enjoying something together? Watching tv
doesn't stop you from using fine motor skills during other
activities. Heck, my kids seem to have other things going
on while they're watching tv many times. It's a very "engaged"
state AND they're using fine and large motor skills.

~~This is not just my opinion, but studies have been done
on brain waves while watching TV and while reading and
the more TV you watch the faster your brain
slips into a receptive alpha wave state.~~

The brain wave patterns are:

Beta; alert and active
Alpha; relaxed/reflecting
Theta; drowsy/ideating
Delta; states of sleep, both dreaming and
deep non-dreaming sleep.

SO, things like freeway driving or running often put a
person into theta waves. It is common to have a flow
of ideas during theta. Reflection and meditation commonly
happen during alpha wave patterns. The brain operates
with all of these brainwaves present in varying amounts
all day long. An Alpha state is not a
negative or unhealthy thing.

~~The next instance is specific to commercial TV and that
is that 75% of commercial TV advertising is paid for by the
100 largest corporations in North America. So you get in a
receptive alpha state and then get bombarded by
commercials to buy stuff.~~

We're intelligent human beings who figured this out and
aren't out buying everything we see. My children are also
intelligent human beings with whom I discuss a lot of this
stuff and are capable of sorting it all out as they grow and learn,
just like I did. Just because a company pays for advertising it does
not automatically equal "bad", once again. We've learned a LOT
from commercials, when we choose to watch them. Mostly, we
like to analyze how effective it is and how creative they were
with their time. Lots of great conversations there.

~~Non commercial TV and movies are at least less
concerned with trying to get you to buy stuff. think
product placement in movies if you don't think they are
trying to sell stuff too.~~

Trying to sell stuff is the job of most any business.
I'm not an automaton that can't choose. Again, we
love to analyze that use of placement.

~~ However, in some families and I am not talking
about anyone on the list, every family member has
their own tv and they spend their time in different
rooms with little or no interaction and since they
aren't even watching the same shows it isn't much
of a chance to bond. ~~

Yes, but I assume the topic of discussion is for the
people on this list, not just the average American family.
A child who is free to choose and connected to
their parents are going to act very different from a
child trying to escape school and/or use tv as an escape route.

Having separate activities at the same time is not usually
viewed as a negative in a family, unless it's about tv. Why?
Why is Mom on the computer and Dad doing some business
and one kid making art and another maybe playing an instrument
perfectly acceptable but as soon as people want to watch
different shows in different rooms it's BAD?

We spend a LOT of our tv time together, but apart
is ok too!! I think families spending a lot of time
together in joy are going to be just fine if they watch
separate tv. The families that aren't spending enough
time together don't need to focus on getting rid of something
(like tv), they need to focus on ADDING some things to their
lives that bring them together. Or use tv as a chance to
connect and bond..yes. But the issue there is relationships
and priorities, not tv. It's just one tool, it's not that powerful.

(addendum: I do think families
might want to get rid of some school time as that REALLY
takes away from family time)

>
> TV rots the senses in the head!
> It kills the imagination dead!
> It clogs and clutters up the mind!
> It makes a child so dull and blind.
> He can no longer understand a fantasy,
> A fairyland!
> His brain becomes as soft as cheese!
> His powers of thinking rust and freeze!
>
> An excerpt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,
> By Roald Dahl, 1964

Anyone who really believes the above, should get rid
of their tv all together. It's nonsense though. It's the
authors personal views coming through in his
story. Everyone has a right to their opinion.

But examine that. My children all have tv's in
their rooms. Not one of them thinks it better or
more enticing than any other activity they might
choose. Not one of them is lacking in imagination,
not one of them is "dull", they are bright and interesting
and creative. How is this possible? Because tv doesn't
have that much power unless we give it that power.
Because it's just another thing we enjoy in our lives
and another way we learn.

I keep thinking about that term "engaged" and I think
of all the amazing things we've learned from television.
Not only have we learned/enjoyed many things directly,
but the after effects of "hey Mom, remember that _________,
can you look it up on google?" which could lead to
months of discussion/discovery (or not) and quite often
sparks connections in a million directions I could not have
predicted!

Just a couple nights ago, we watched this "lost tapes" show
on Animal Planet and were quite skeptical about some of
the information they seemed to be presenting as "facts".
After researching it we discovered it is completely fictional
(they call it "docu-fiction") being presented in a documentary style.
How annoying! But what a great series of conversations we've
had about falseness and checking your information and the
possibility of strange creatures not discovered yet,
etc..... and the learning just continues.

Think about all the issues that television has the ability
to bring to the forefront. I think of all my co-workers who
found out I have bees and excitedly told me about the
Discovery show they watched about bees and how importan
bees are to the environment and our food supply etc...
I would much rather watch a tv show about another country
than just read about it! The sights and sounds of
another culture can be brought to life with television...
in a way other media just can't.

I'm not advocating sitting in front of a tv all day.
We are busy, busy with lots of different things but
"turn off tv"? Nah....we turn it off or on when we
choose, all year, living and learning from everything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The image is of some school-free kids celebrating a birthday one year ago, sans tv.;)

Life is Good conference

2009-04-23T09:11:00.003-04:00

Life is Good takes place next month folks!! I'll be there speaking, hosting some circle chats and making ATC's of course. If you haven't registered yet, get crackin'! The NW is beautiful in May and the conference takes place at the Red Lion right on the massive Columbia river in Vancouver WA.

Mary and Jon Gold host this amazing weekend. You can visit them at their colorful, yummy and joyful coffee shop in Corvallis OR...Sunnyside Up. If that's not possible, you can live vicariously through Mary/Zenmomma's blog.

I'm actually meeting two of my sisters and their kids out there, so that's a really big deal. The cousins haven't seen each other (nor the sisters) in about three years. Far too long.

Heidi will be hosting yoga at the conference and doing one circle chat with me as well. Good times...
Hope to see you there!